Numb. I felt numb. All the time. I was put on Zoloft when I was 16 and nothing felt the same. All my emotions were toned down: happiness, anger, sadness, and horniness. This was my third attempt at an antidepressant. Eventually I got used to the trial and error, but I missed being horny.
At 16 years old, I was armed with sex education from my friends who worked at Planned Parenthood, textbooks I borrowed from the library, and the clinical sexologist I watched on Youtube. I knew sex was normal and natural and I didn’t feel like I needed to defend myself with this idea: I miss wanting sex. After trying with so many medications to deal with my depression, I told my psychiatrist “Sex is an important aspect of my life. I want a medication that won’t kill my sex drive”. And she was extremely understanding and we had a conversation about changing my medication, but this time I was the one making suggestions.
I was impressed with how easy it was. I chose Wellbutrin. I talked with my mom about it and she went through a similar issue. She suggested Wellbutrin because that’s what works for her and we assumed we had similar body chemistry. I was frustrated that they kept prescribing me SSRIs when it clearly wasn’t working, so I’m glad I was able to research other options. And it did work. I liked it a lot and the only side effect I experienced was increased heart rate.
But sometimes I imagine if my 16 year old self didn’t speak up. Low sex drive in women is already seen as normal and expected. And then being 16, I was anticipating someone to stop me and say “Sex shouldn’t matter to you, you’re basically a child” but no one did. Not my mom or my psychiatrist and definitely not my gynecologist. I was surprised because they treated me like a woman but I sure as hell didn’t feel like one yet. That’s when I started treating my body like I had agency over it. Before then, if I had a problem, I’d go to the doctor and do whatever the doctor tells me to do. Now I feel more comfortable asking questions about my options and exploring second opinions.
(Side note: As I was exploring images for “low sex drive in women” most of them portrayed the issue to be more of a problem for the man than the woman. I hate that. My partner at the time didn’t care. He just wanted me to feel like myself again.)
Unruly Bodies 
I think this is such a great post because I fully agree that the sex drive of women is still very taboo. I am still figuring out that part of my life, so I find it awesome (I can’t think of a good word) that you were actually in tune with your body at age 16. I know that was when I was first learning about my anxiety so I never knew what normal felt like in my body. I also really like that you have been such an amazing advocate for yourself when it comes to medication and looking to find what works best. So far in my life I have taken the medicine that doctors recommend and just go with it because no major issues have ever occurred. I think it is so empowering to be in full control and understanding of your body. Overall, really liked the post 🙂
I. love. this. Good for you for standing up for yourself and getting what you want and deserve. In our class discussion of who owns the body, my mind always jumps to the doctor because they ultimately decide what happens, but I think it is so important that you have told your story and encourage others to fight for what they believe in. You got the chance to own your body and you took it! Thank you for having the courage to write about this. I really love this post.