TW: transphobia, homophobia, biphobia, dysphoria
“I fell in love with a woman,” I distinctly remember my (then) fiancé saying. That was back in early 2019 when I told him I was beginning to question my gender identity. I mentioned that I might consider taking testosterone someday in the distant future, and that’s when he blew up. If I wasn’t going to be a woman, then he didn’t want to be with me, he said. Soon after having that unpleasant interaction, I received a package I had ordered, which sounded like they could be pills. “Is this testosterone?!” he accused angerly. The exceptional fury took me by surprise. I told him that, no, it was not in fact testosterone pills (do such things even exist?), and opened the package to show him.
He was a cis het man-child, so I suppose I shouldn’t have been so taken aback by his response. He was subtly, for lack of a better word, homophobic and transphobic; one of those people that say, “Oh, so I can hit a woman now?” in reference to trans people type of shit. I felt deeply hurt. It was the first time he had ever mentioned breaking up. When I came out to him as bisexual a few months after we started dating, in mid-2018, he said that that was fine, as long as it didn’t “come between us.” I.e. me wanting to date a woman instead of him. He’d had at least two girlfriends in the past who had broken up with him to be with women instead. I reassured him that I would not do that; I was deeply in love with him and convinced that he was the one.
Well, fast-forward to May of 2019, when I broke up with him. There were a myriad of reasons for why I broke off our engagement, which was still a tough choice for me to make. Part of it was that I had realized that I at least wanted to have the opportunity to date someone of another gender. I had only dated one guy before my fiancé, and that was it. That and my growing discomfort with being referred to a woman, which did later play out as me realizing I was trans. If I’m being honest, I find it hilarious to think that he, a very adamantly straight cis man, was greatly attracted to me: physically, emotionally, and sexually. Does that make him a little gay? Maybe. But it amuses me nonetheless. (The same goes for my also adamantly straight ex-boyfriend, although I haven’t been in touch with him for years, so he doesn’t know that I’m trans.)
Note: as I have been thinking back and writing about these events and him as a person, I feel reassured that we were not a good fit for each other, to put it nicely. I’m grateful to have had this opportunity to think aloud, in a way, and process these events.
Unruly Bodies 
Thank you for sharing your story. I am sorry you had to go through that, it sounds like it must have been so difficult. I am glad you are doing better now and you are able to be You, not whoever he wanted you to be.
I had similar experiences with a partner and understanding my own gender identity. It is so hard to figure out Who you are when your partner is also demanding finite answers when you need support, not accusations.
I know I’m just an anonymous commenter, but I am so proud of you for having the courage to leave that relationship and live your most authentic life. You deserve so much better than to be talked to and treated that way. The people in your life should support, validate, and encourage you to be the best person you can be. Transphobia and homophobia often go hand in hand, and I believe it’s largely because of lack of education combined with personal insecurity. The way he reacted says everything about him and nothing about you.
I know it’s most likely been said, but thank you for feeling comfortable in sharing this. I admire you for being able to walk out of that relationship with your humanity intact. Reading this reminded me of my ex/past abuser and how grateful I am that I am no longer with them. I personally think putting yourself first is one of the hardest things to do when (you think) you’re in love with someone. Hopefully this doesn’t sound odd coming from Anon but, I’m proud of you and I hope you are proud of yourself too. Again, thank you so much for sharing, I hope you are doing well 🙂 .
Thank you so much for sharing your story with us. You’re incredibly strong, and brave ❤ Taking leaps to be your true self can definitely be a scary process, especially if the ones you thought would be there with you on your journey regardless of what it is, show their true colors (the bad ones). Unfortunately, there is such a prevalence of cis, straight men who feel emasculated in these situations, it's honestly bullshit (most likely brought on by the ideals of the patriarchy, socializing men to internalize these things) and hurtful to the person coming out (that's already a hard enough thing to do, and to be shamed for it?.. fuck). Biphobia and transphobia is REAL. I guess what I'm wondering is…what would allow people to get over these phobias? Or hateful rhetoric/thoughts? …Is it education? Exposure? Introspection about the root of these feelings? Nonetheless what the explanation is for cis straight men to feel this way or solution to this pervasive problem, you didn't deserve to be treated this way. I commend you for following your gut and your heart. I hope you're doing well, sending much love ❤
I truly respect you for sharing your story because I feel that this does happen to many people across the entire world but people just don’t know about it. The word needs to spread on how being bisexual is “normal” too. I say “normal” because honestly what does being normal even mean? Hope you’re doing well and stay strong to your true identity! Find the people who truly love you and will fight a battle with you along your side, not fight towards you.