Tw: death, dying
For some time now I’ve been preoccupied with our human understanding of life or death. My thoughts consist of why am I here? Why are we all here? Where did we come from? Where do we go when we die? Is this all a simulation? I don’t want to die. I don’t know what happens when I die. I don’t know when I will die. I don’t want to die! These types of thoughts would fill my mind all day. I thought it was just some sort of existential crisis that would go away. But I was wrong. These thoughts have plagued my mind for almost a whole year now. I now know that what I’m suffering from is existential OCD. I have already been diagnosed with OCD and generalized anxiety disorder. So I have a lot of uncomfortable and disturbing intrusive thoughts. But they were never this focused on my existence in this world.
I started to realize this isn’t healthy and is honestly kind of scary. I would think about life and death until I would feel sick to my stomach. Sometimes I feel like the world around me isn’t real or like I am not real. I start to derealize. Sometimes I would go over the possible dying process until I was sobbing in tears trying to figure it out. And in the midst of this I would obsessively look for the answers to questions that could never be truly answered by anyone. This is what people with existential OCD do. To try and fix these obsessions we have, we compulsively look for solutions to make us feel better about life and death. I would search the internet, reading near death experiences thinking it would help. But its impossible to feel better. Because there are no answers.
But recently I learned that these are just thoughts. A misfiring in my head. And maybe I don’t have to fight them anymore. Maybe they can exist in my head while I continue to exist in the world I know. And maybe, just maybe, I won’t be so scared anymore because I’m allowing the thoughts to stay without giving them so much power. Letting them flow in and then flow right out without reacting. What I do know is, I would like to become more comfortable with the unknowns of this world.
Unruly Bodies 
CW Mention of suicidal ideation
I really identify with your post and conclusion. You said you can live with the thoughts in your head, and I think that’s really what you have to do in the end with mental illnesses. You recognize their presence, but you cannot let them win over your brain or stick with you. That’s how things get worse. But death is such a important piece of mental health. One of my favorite poets, Neil Hilborn says “I think a lot about killing myself, not like a point on a map but rather like a glowing exit sign at a show that’s never been quite bad enough to make me want to leave.” I think this is so important to remember that death is final, but the thoughts are always around. It’s not something you should hurt yourself because of, but there to recognize that you are mortal and to do with your life everything you can to make living it worth the struggle.
I appreciate the quote. I do get exhausted and sometimes want to end my life but there’s something that’s keeping me here. I want to stick around and see what my life could be like and that’s really what keeps me going. Thank you for opening up!
Oh my god oh my god oh my god I feel seen. I literally feel like this came from my own brain.
I’ve only ever met one person outside of my OCD support groups that has this specific theme, so thank you so much for your visibility and vulnerability here.
Since super early childhood I’ve been obsessed with uncertainty of death and anticipating what happens when it comes, with super obvious rituals that went unnoticed – like you I didn’t have the words. Being able to name what’s happening, since finding out last year, is the only thing that’s ever helped consistently, and it’s *such* a powerful tool.
I see you and I hear you. Embracing uncertainty is terrifying but worth it.
Solidarity and love ❤
I’m so happy you could feel seen through my story. It feels really lonely having this type of OCD but its not actually that uncommon. I’ve been on meds and I’ve gone to therapy. But nothing has helped more than learning about my disorder and understanding it and being less hard on myself. I appreciate your comment so much. We are on the road to recovery. :’)
Hello and thank you so much for this post, ive been living with this existential OCD hell on and off since december and while my OCD themes vary in flavor (harm OCD, scrupulous OCD) the most intense one is just this – the existential part. Like, ive had OCD all my life (diagnosed and all) but it all flared up and became much much worse after a panic attack in dec 2020 and right now my mind is just in chaos, ive literally lived on the internet trying to find some solace or relief to this all consuming condition, reading all i can abt it, fearing i’ll go psychotic from all the thoughts and big questions, are other ppl real? are my parents real? are my cats real? am I even real? how do i know im real? What does ”real” mean? if life is a simulation – who is simulated and whos not? what happens when we die? I always viewed these questions w nothing but curiosity before but its like now theyre amped up by fear and anxiety and i cant take it anymore and just wish i could go back to the way i was before, curious and happy, feels so long ago.
It gets sorta better when I think ”its just OCD” but when im in the middle of it and feel the panic coming on, the reassurance of the thought just disappears in the darkness …
Take care and hope my comment isnt too depressing, just dying to connect with someone with the same condition…
Kind regards
Hanna💕
Thanks for writing your experience!
I feel I have the same. Recently I was riding a bike and started thinking how we are limited specie with limited senses and understanding and how could possibly know what is real or not and started to derealize. Or thinking how am I aware at all, what is point of being alive, what happens after we die and imagining myself dying and thinking of it just to find out (also reading a lot about NDE). Sometimes even thinking of Earth and Universe and what’s the point of all and getting some existential anxiety.
How’s going with the therapy and medicaments? Are they helping?
My next step is to find a therapist. Most of them say stuff like ‘it’s existential crisis’, go for a walk and deep down I know it’s not because it’s been for some time.
For me, it started after smoking weed, derealizing and depersonalizing hard. I have this compulsive need for answers even though I am aware there are unanswerable question. I even think that mystery is the best answer to embrace the life but something in my brain is doing this:
OCD: You know you will die?
Me: OK, it’s just an adventure we will see.
OCD: Or not. It might just be the end. Why doing anyhing now at all?
Me: Oooooo shit.
OCD: It’s all futile, pointless and meaningless.
Me: Oh, let me find you an answer to that. Googling the shit out of answer infinitely.
Also, I feel anhedonia and anergy. Mornings are the hardest, specially those moments when I just wake up, everything feels so dark and I am mentally exhausted. I am not sure if this is OCD or maybe because of it I already lapsed into depression.
Besides that, I am questioning myself constantly if I will ever feel joy again and have hopes and dreams.
How have you been recently? Any improvements?