This is going to sound really weird, but I am having trouble figuring out how to identify: as white, mestiza, both? I really don’t know. My brother took a DNA test and we’re ¼ indigenous to the South American region. Is that enough to consider myself a woman of color? Does the one-drop rule apply to mestizos? According to 23andMe, we’re 63% Spanish and Portuguese. I think about this a lot. So much so that I’ve even been recommended to a therapist who focuses on race.
Here is where my confusion stems from: race as a social construct and race as an identity. I read something on twitter that basically implied there is no such thing as “white-passing” because race is a social construct so whatever race society sees you as, that’s what you are. I try to apply that to myself, but there is not a social consensus on what race I am.
I’ve had people of color invite me to WOC Coalition,
and I’m like, “oh, but I lack melanin,”
And they’re like “you can’t use a brown paper bag test to define yourself,”
and I’m like “oh, true”.
I’ve gotten the “what are you?” question plenty of times but for the most part, people think I’m Greek or ethnically ambiguous. And that’s where the identity aspect comes in. Dr. Henderson in the Sociology department is a white-passing black woman. The idea of anyone telling her she’s white makes me uncomfortable. But since I have no idea what I am, if a person of color told me I’m white, I’d probably not disagree because 25% is hardly enough to back up such a pale complexion.
If I identify as mestiza, I fear that I’ll encounter gatekeeping or questions about my background. If I identify as white, I wouldn’t get as many questions. But I know my dad doesn’t like the idea of his kids identifying as white. My dad’s side of the family is pretty brown, and while he isn’t, his (full) sister and mom are.
Now this is where it gets even more interesting because I thought, however I identify, there should be some family consensus. If I identify as mestiza, it would look weird if my sister identified as white. But in other countries, such as Brazil, the way they define race is based on a combination of features and phenotypes that could lead to one sibling being one race on their census and the other sibling being another. The reason I used my sister as an example was because I’ve been told by my friends, “I don’t see you as white, but I see your sister as white”. For context, I have thicker eyebrows, and bigger lips, while she has green eyes and light brown hair. I feel like the more I learn about race, the more confused I get.
I grew up in Dundalk (read: white trash area) and definitely did not feel white there. There were certain neighbors that we were told to stay away from (I later learned it was because they openly didn’t like Hispanics) so my family generally gravitated towards other Latino families. But when I moved to a more progressive area of Baltimore County, I didn’t experience as many microaggressions and as a result, felt like I was being read as white. But I also feel like microaggressions shouldn’t be a qualifying factor in determining race.
I wish there was a better way to conclude this. Ultimately, the only person that can decide my identity is myself, so I guess I’ll just have to do a lot of introspection. Ugh.
Unruly Bodies 
My girlfriend’s father is the product of a white woman from West Virginia and his father was from Peru, though he was raised by two white parents as his father left when he was born. Her mother is the product of two Italian immigrants. Every summer my girlfriend tans by simply walking outside, but by late winter season she is as pale as I am. She struggles with the same issue in that she feels too hispanic to identify as white, but too white to identify as hispanic. She has been raised by white family members, never learned Spanish, and has no connection to her roots. It wasn’t until a family friend of mine, who is black, told her to stop percent-agizinng herself to fit into a society made mold. She is perfect the way she is. But she is constantly worried as she is also an actress. What roles is she “allowed” to audition for? She wanted to provide the proper representation to a hispanic role she recently got, but was worried she wasn’t “enough”. After all, she never even knew her biological grandfather. Who is allowed to decide this? What Are the rules?
I’d say that DNA tests are pretty much negligible when it comes to racial identification and you won’t find the answer you’re looking for based on that. Because of how race is socially constructed, even something that is *perceived* as unbiased and fact-driven like science can be deeply entrenched in racism because it is also a socially constructed aspect of our collective culture to a certain extent (for example, how do our social biases influence what we deem as the truth in science? Science has said that Black people feel less pain; is that really true, or is it an excuse to conduct ethically bankrupt experiments and withhold treatment because of racism?) You mentioned blood quantums/”one drop rule” and that’s a perfect example of how arbitrary scientific racism is in nature when it comes to dictating identity and should definitely NOT be used as a legitimate tool for such. I disagree with the point that states that white-passing as a concept is not real because it very much is so. Speaking as someone who is Black, there are definitely salient differences in lived experiences between someone who is read in society as unmistakably 100% Black (my brother), someone who can easily pass as White and enjoy the privileges of such (my sister), and someone who’s gonna be a complete toss-up depending on the social setting (me). We’re all Black no doubt about it, but our slightly different phenotypes lend us differences when it comes to how society perceives us. It’s the simple fact that all of this is so arbitrarily constructed that experiences of white-passing exist; even if you identify as a race because that’s how you’ve been socialized within your family, how larger society perceives you can completely contradict this socialization and you have to be aware of how this changes your lived experience from one person of color to the next.
Ultimately, I agree – you have a lot of introspection to do. I don’t have the perfect solution because for a lot of people race is a no-brainer, while for others it’s a bit ambiguous. But what I can suggest is moving away from hyperfocusing on things like blood quantums, and think more about how you were socialized racially growing up. What does your family identify as? What have they taught you to identify as? If race identification wasn’t a major component of your rearing, could that possibly indicate that you are, in fact, white? Are other people’s assumptions about your race and how they treat you based on it rooted in some semblance of reality, or is it them being just as confused about race as you are? Does this Indigenous heritage of yours REALLY matter when it comes to your racial identity if you only JUST found out about it?
I definitely receive the “what are you” question a lot! I am a mixed person, black and white, however my skin tone doesn’t always necessarily reflect that. My hair is always the giveaway, but if I have a hat on, I’m not sure that I could pass as a POC. I am very uncomfortable calling myself a “black woman” because of the tone of my skin. I’m not really sure of the rules on what I can and cannot speak on. I don’t think I 100% live the “black experience” in America, but there are parts of it I relate to. I went to a predominantly white elementary school, where race was almost never addressed, and it wasn’t a factor in my life. As I went on to my predominantly black middle and high schools, it became more of an identity crisis for me. I still haven’t really figured it out.