I spent almost every single day of the first six months of 2020 crying myself to sleep. At first I didn’t realize it, but I was dealing with the repercussions of traumatizing events. Before quarantine I thought I was just very very upset over a break up. And rather than sit and face my problems head on, I forced myself to be surrounded by people every second of the day. I also refused to let anyone know I needed help. I knew I needed it and I knew there was something wrong, but I struggled to reach out and tell someone. Instead I was spending every night crying myself to sleep, and then waking up the next morning with a forced smile on my face. I still remember one night after classes I began my walk up to my apartment on the hill next to walker garage, and out of nowhere I realized I had to go spend the next couple of hours by myself, alone, in my room. The realization was an obvious one but for some reason I did not process it until I was halfway to my apartment. Suddenly I couldn’t breathe, and I began to sob as I got to my apartment. I walked straight to my room and cried until I was numb and fell asleep. This was only a few days before campus shut down because of Covid-19. 

When the pandemic hit and I had to go back home, all of the things that I had been ignoring began to surface. I was back in the environment I had been wanting to avoid, and I was alone. Every night for the next few months was very similar to the one night I had walking up to my apartment on campus. There was so much more than just the pain from the break up that I had been simply refusing to accept. But this time I knew I could not let myself continue to hurt, as I did not have people to use as an excuse to ignore my problems. I began to notice how my emotional pain was beginning to affect myself physically. I was not eating all day and I was spending the entire day in my room by myself. I was losing weight, losing hair, and it felt like I was losing myself. 

It was a very long and difficult process to finally get to a point where I felt okay. Weirdly enough one of the main things that helped in my healing process was buying my first plants. When I got my plants I quite literally went into plant mom mode. I found a few from Home Depot and they were all wilted with leaves falling off. Now I had something that I was forced to take care of. I’d wake up at 7 am everyday, open my blinds to make sure they had plenty of light, water them (when needed), repot them into new pots, and sometimes I would even just sit and talk to them. As I took care of my plants, I was also taking care of myself. I knew just like my plants, I also needed care too. I also need light, love, water, food, and just someone to sit and talk to. Some days are better than others, and I still struggle with my depression. But now when I look at my plants, which are all a beautiful shade of green, standing up straight, looking healthy, I know that I will be okay.