It’s so easy to imagine how much better it would be to be everything you’re not. My milk carton description would probably go something like 5’3” asian woman with light brown hair. I’ve never faced any sexism or racism that could be considered significantly life altering and yet I can’t shake how often I’m reminded of my physically ascribed identities. I’m a mixed kid that never knew what box to check when race was asked on forms but people sure seem to be confident about what I am. Working in customer service I’ve been summoned as the white, lightskin, korean, thai, hawaiian, iranian, and latino girl. All incorrect assumptions but no biggie right? What’s concerning is how singular their focus was, categorization is ingrained in all of us, and there’s so many other things I could’ve been identified by. 

Back to the point, being comfortable in our own skin and how this affects what we choose to do in it. Just browsing the UnrulyBodies page it is clear that many of us feel limited by our bodies or uncomfortable with whatever assumptions come with them. My size and sex obviously affect my physical strength and I have a bad habit of signing up for things that require that. I recently was trying to decide if I wanted to get certified as a firefighter and it wasn’t in question if I could pass but whether I should do it at all. A firefighter friend convinced me doubt not my abilities was going to hold me back and that I should go for it. Wholesome! With new found excitement I told a family member the news and quickly the conversation took a bad turn. He said that it didn’t matter if I could do the job well, I could get hired as a career firefighter because I was female and a minority. 

I’ve had to defend anything I’ve accomplished so many times and it’s incredibly idiotic for both parties participating. The guy I’m arguing with envies my ability to steal a position from the hypothetical equally qualified man/white candidate he identifies with. In response I’d much rather be a man who can earn real respect and nobody would dare consider his only role was to increase diversity. Their argument is that I’m the one who is benefiting so why am I mad at him for pointing out the injustice of the situation. This fueled resentment and the suspicion that everyone believed I was the token female that didn’t deserve the space they take up. I held onto so much hatred that I’ve said some unjustifiably mean things to people and that wasn’t okay. I was ashamed and I tried to gain some empathy when I realized that just because their limitations are different to mine doesn’t make them any easier to carry. It felt good to let go, to just exist as I am. If you’ve struggle with this too, remember the grass is always greener on the other side.