Growing up as an Asian American, I always had a fast metabolism and never weighed above 100 pounds. No matter how much I tried to eat, I could never gain the weight. If I lost any weight for any reason, it was hard to gain it back. Medical professionals would tell me that I needed to “eat a cheeseburger” because my weight was not considered ‘healthy.’ I was not allowed to donate blood because I did not reach the weight minimum. I was tired of being told how ‘weak and small’ I looked, envying anyone with more noticeable curves or physical strength. I refused to take pictures for months, archiving my entire feed on Instagram and hiding my body as much as I could. I was sick of the body I was in. So in 2019, I began to research ways I can transform the way I look as quickly as possible.
Soon, I turned to exercise to build muscle mass to build curves and gain more weight. I tried many at-home workouts for a year, while I noticed few changes, I still was not satisfied with my body. Eventually, I started my gym journey in 2020. I desperately wanted to be 100 pounds. I began to become obsessed with the numbers on the scale. As if I would finally be satisfied with my body if I reach my body target goal.
After months, I finally started noticeably gaining weight as I ate more and going to the gym. I was finally proud of finally hitting triple digits on the scale after previously never gaining any weight. I made sure I kept working out five times a week. If I missed a workout, I’d feel guilty and work myself twice as hard the next day. I believed if I slacked just a little, I would immediately lose all my gains. Like all of my previous progress would mean nothing.
Eventually, I noticed I could not stop gaining weight after being obsessed for so long. I missed having a flatter stomach. I obsessed over the newfound “folds” and “rolls” I never previously had. My pants weren’t fitting as they used to because of all the extra weight. My parents were criticizing my new body. Did I go too far? Did I lose my metabolism?
Maybe I just needed to go harder at the gym.
I soon began to reach a bit of burnout and started dreading going to the gym. It felt like a punishment for myself. I would constantly compare my body to everyone else’s in the gym. My progress felt like I was plateauing, and I could not see enough development. The relationship I had with the gym began to become toxic. Am I working out because I want to be healthier now? Or am I doing it because I hate how I look?
Here’s the thing, “you cannot hate yourself healthy.” Our bodies are the vessels that get us through life. It is doing everything it can to support and carry you. Plenty of people trying to build their bodies suffer from body dysmorphia at the gym. Our social value as a human is not determinant by the number on the scale or muscular prowess. If we continue to try to work out at the gym for the sole purpose of transforming our bodies aesthetically, we will never be happy with how we look.
With this epiphany, I began to notice more positive changes in my lifestyle. I now enjoy going to the gym and look forward to it throughout the week. I enjoy challenging myself to work harder to support myself. I have since stopped trying so hard to transform my appearance and am now improving my health and fitness. I have started to see progress again in my workout. I look forward to how good it makes my body feel rather than how good I will look after.
Unruly Bodies 
I love this post! I started weightlifting two years ago, and my initial goal was to look toned and spend more time with my partner. Pretty early on my body started changing and actually brought on body dysmorphia. When I came home during the pandemic, looking in the mirrors I’d had in my house I didn’t feel like I fit in my body. I hadn’t been in my old bathroom in a year and I couldn’t tell how I looked anymore. Somedays I felt I changed completely and other days I saw the way I used to look. It’s exactly as you said- I really had to change my goals from being about visual difference to a difference in strength if I wanted to keep enjoying the gym. I still don’t always feel connected to my body every day, but I focus on getting stronger, getting the rest I need, and eating intuitively. I think it’s awesome you’re putting your health first and I’m so proud of you!
As someone who has wanted to start weight lifting for much the same reason (I weigh 100lb soaking wet) this was a very great thing to read and I shall take this perspective with me to the gym. I have experienced that envy of those with physical strength and muscle definition, and I have struggled to maintain any regular work out rhythm for fear of missing a day and ruining any progress I have made, or looking like a slacker because I can’t go to the gym every day, or that by doing the wrong work outs my body will look worse and I’ll become even more skinny and sickly. I really appreciate your perspective on this issue and it has motivated me to actually start working out again, not because I want my body to look a certain way, but because I want to work out, because it’s good for me! It’s so important that we do things not because we feel we must if we want to look a certain way, but because we want to do it for ourselves out of love!