At times my body doesn’t feel real. Could it be my routine? Or the fact that when I go about my own day, I’m forced to mask myself when I’m inside my parent’s house. Now me lacking the sense of my own body isn’t something I have considered to always be negative. Sometimes I just need the escape from everyday routine and interactions with my family at home is especially tiring. Preparing in the morning on some days, I stare a little too long at the full-length mirror by our bathroom and think to myself, “is this really me?”. I’m generally introverted, but I do like having social interaction depending on who it’s with, usually close friends.

Aside from basic needs provided by my parents throughout my childhood, I basically spent most of my time outside school alone in my bedroom. It gives a sense of invisibility that has always been instilled in me as the years have passed. Presently, on the other hand, I’m too useful to be left alone in my bedroom by my parents. For my parents, I am someone to request to take care of my younger sister’s needs for them, parent-ifying me. At these times I’d rather have been invisible. Outside my house environment, I don’t necessarily strive to be alone at all times, I look for a sense of connection, the ability to feel like my personality is just plainly acknowledged and accepted. I’ve grown my personality and my sense of self in my bedroom for so long, and only truly express it with my friends in recent years. The fact that I have a mask when around my family makes me tend to lose my self in just protecting what is important to me, knowing my parents aren’t particularly supportive of much of what I want to do. I guess this is where I don’t feel like my body exists. Cause how would it? I’ve protected my true self from my parents for so long, that when my true personality slips, they get confused, “why do you say that?” or “don’t you love me?”. The cultural ties to taking care of our parents when they reach older age binds me in a place in between. I would rather imagine that my future is acquired from a fake incident where they think I’ve passed early, rather than take care of them. They had my basic needs fulfilled up until now, but my emotional or mental needs were rarely ever met as a child of theirs. Their bigotry and xenophobia against anyone or anything outside their model person or behavior is outstandingly loud. If they met me as someone from outside the family, they would have definitely scoffed in my face and talked shit about me in our first language to the side.

I’m secure about who I am, but could I say that about what my parents think of me?