This post will be funny to look at when you realize I don’t have any dedications to anything. I get to the beginner level of anything I’m not naturally good at and then I stop doing it. You see a lot if you go back through my life history. Knitting was fun (I made it to two small, small rows), drawing got tiring (I learnt faces and very detailed eyes), astrology is an baby interest that won’t go away (did you know having three planets in one house is called a stellium and that cusps mathematically aren’t real because the sun can’t be in two places at once so it’s really determined on the specifics of when you were born? Fun!)

Also, did you know I just changed my major to English?

My decisions are usually influenced by what I’m doing at the moment, so, over the summer, I worked at a movie theater so guess what that means? I wanted to be a filmmaker. I told literally anyone who would listen that I would change my major to something in Film and be so happy creating because creating is what I want to do so badly.

But my mind always floats back to writing.

I’ve been a psychology fan for so long. I’ve gone through all the motions of wanting to help people (children, specifically, because I felt, and still feel, like people don’t care too much about children’s mental health and then are left confused when told most problems in adulthood stem from childhood), then wanting to know about mental illness, then wanting to do my own research. My underlying problem is that I always want to stand out and I feel like, per my last parenthesis, it stems from my last blog post about never feeling like nothing more than a shadow of my mother. I’m nothing if not a circle backer.

But another way that I make my deciding decisions is if I come back to it, that means I really want to do it. I wanted to be a journalist in the 10th grade and wrote for the newspaper in the 11th grade, although nothing got posted because our advisor was sick and never in school, which also made it hard for the poor kids who were in his class. Writing for this blog and then the amount of nice comments from everyone, including Dr. Kate, made me a lot happier than anything has in a while. I like when people like my writing because this feels like such a natural talent and I really do blame it on learning to read early in Kindergarten. I think that reading so much and writing so much is such a fun way to spend my time, but I was always scared of a career in writing because I’ve never wanted to monetize my writing. I think now I know there’s a difference in writing for fun and writing for my job. I don’t think I’ll ever write something like this for fun unless I start another blog of my own. Every self blog never works out though, seeing as they get deleted after some months of inactivity.

Really, I’ve never stuck to a plan. I just run around in circles that get smaller and smaller while I pick up trinkets along the way like those coin machines in museums that really are only to get your precious coins and captivate the distractible minds of children. However, I have faith in this one because look! I came back to it.

So, here’s to sticking to this one.