Can I post this blog? Am I allowed to write about this topic? Is this a good topic?
Everyone is an individual who has the agency to do as they please. Some situations, certain locations, and laws change what people are able to do. If I could change the situations that people are in and be able to give agency, I would. I believe that people should have agency.
I, on the other hand, have a problem acting on my own.
I find myself asking for permission or notifying people about my actions. I’ve created a world for myself to ask people if I can do certain actions. I ask permission from my friends and family if it’s okay if I eat a certain food. I let people know I’m going to the bathroom even if it’s no one’s business. Everytime I want to buy something, I refer to my friends and mother. They always tell me the same three things: “It’s your money, get what you want”, “Do you think you need it?”, or “No, you would be better saving money for something else”. I know they will give me the same answers. My mind wants to have permission for the actions, feelings, and reasons I have.
It almost feels like my body isn’t mine. Or that I need permission to exist in the space I already take up. I resist myself to only do what I know what I’m allowed to do, and if I don’t know, I’ll ask. I can’t tell if it’s due to my identity and it’s intersectionality. Or due to how I grew up to be polite, so my body policed itself to be overly polite to always ask to make a move. Am I afraid to act because it will reflect all the people I represent? Or am I afraid to act because I’m afraid to be rude?
This all makes me realize I need to take agency back for me and my body. Don’t apologize for the space I take up or ask anyone if I need permission for space. I’m starting to break out of this mental shell. I start taking actions without trying to explain the reason behind my actions. I want to be better about asking to do stuff. I tend to ask if I can eat a certain food or if I’m allowed to sit in a certain spot. I want to be able to plan a whole day where I try not to ask anyone what I should do and if I should do it. I have a goal in mind to be more independent and not let myself lose agency.
Should I do it?
Unruly Bodies 
This IS a great topic you wrote about. I truly love how wonderfully you verbalized this problem that I also have: the idea of our existence/space being an inconvenience to another individual.
I am currently trying to figure out how to celebrate my 21st in a few days in order to convenience people the best, trying to figure out what they want to do, rather what I want to do on my day. Your post reminded me of how we don’t need permission in how to live our lives or even simply doing everyday things like sit in specific spaces or eat this snack.
You deserve everyday to just live your life unapologetically. Easier said than done, but I hope you can one day start living for yourself without having to feel the need to cater to others. No justification needed.
Reading this post reminded me of the phrase, “Your liberty to swing your fist ends where my nose begins.” That is to say, your freedom is also limited by the consideration of the amount of harm you can do with your freedom to other people. But it’s not just your potential for harm that limits your freedom as you have stated. We’re all bound by the perceptions of others, that we shouldn’t do this, and shouldn’t do that, in fear of losing the implicit approval from them. And I say, to hell with them. It’s your life and your body. Nobody can take that away from you.
Wow, I’m so glad you were able to put words to your experiences! This is something I’ve been reconciling with myself, so it’s comforting to not be alone in that struggle. I find it’s the worst in work situations, and I find myself asking if it’s okay to take a break or even to find something to eat, to work on a particular project, etc. It’s like a nagging worry that my actions or the way I exist in a space is going to offend someone. However, I think the fact that you’re able to articulate this so well shows progress in and of itself, and of course, you deserve to be the main character in your own life. Wishing you well in your work to reclaim your agency!