This week, I had the luck of seeing roadkill, not once, not twice, but three times. I’m not a stranger to looking at dead things, but the fact that it happened three times so far to three different animals is kind of sobering. Not that I was driving under the influence, but it got me thinking about my own mortality. These animals were once living breathing beings. Now they are carcasses on the road side, if lucky. If I die, will I be like that, ultimately reduced to a obituary in a newspaper? And it got me thinking about my own mother.
She is suffering from cancer, and due to my own cowardice of not being able to confront it, I don’t know what type. We thought her cancer was cured, but it came back, and I worry every day that she will drop dead. And I don’t know what I will be do with myself and my family if she does. She’s the family’s backbone, and if she dies, we all break. Can you imagine that, all of your efforts, all of your actions that take, ceasing to mean anything once you die? I can understand dying surrounded by loved ones, and knowing that you live a life well-lived. That’s the ideal death to have. But I keep thinking that one of us will die unceremoniously, so suddenly that we as a family can never recover. And I keep being afraid. I don’t know what to do. Sometimes I curse the luck of others for having a blessed life. But I always tell myself that I don’t know what they’ve been through. But some days, I sometimes wish I didn’t care.
Unruly Bodies 
I am so sorry to hear about your mother and I hope she feels better soon. Fuck cancer. Whenever I think about losing my mother, I get extremely emotional. She is, like you said, the backbone of my family. I can only imagine how afraid you are. But you and your mother are both strong, and will get through this time!
I hate seeing roadkill when I’m driving, because I always also think about my own morality. Every time I see a dead deer, raccoon, etc. it breaks my heart because what if that was me? It sounds corny but I always think about the little family the animal must’ve had that it can’t go back too.
It’s so hard, and I completely understand what you mean. Death is fucking scary. I lost my aunt recently, and I am still recovering it. She was like my mother’s mother and my grandmother, and her absence still bears so heavy. But we always remember her in a positive way, talking about funny stories, and happy moments. It helps a lot.
I am sorry for your mother, cancer can go fuck itself. I cannot imagine such a loss and hope she recovers soon. You are probably very afraid and anxious, just breathe and know you will get through this.
They say you die twice, once when you take your final breath- and then again when your name is said for the final time. Her experiences and personality is a part of you and always will be, she was part of who you were shaped to be.
Death is scary, and I am afraid- but these is only one truth in life, which is death- but death itself doesn’t have to be dreaded, it makes us live our life to the fullest, taking the moments we are given and plunging into risks, cherish the times with everyone that you will have, as they will continue to shape who you are.
I’m so sorry for your mother, I hope she is able to get the care she needs. Seeing roadkill seems to be quite the trigger for our mortality, I see these things that were once alive, had a life, and can’t help but wonder what separates them from me? Death is inevitable, we all fight death but no one has ever won, and I can’t help but wonder why are so many of us so fearful of it. I’ve talked with friends and even therapists and many wonder if it’s the actual process of death, or the fear of what happens after. I think I myself am afraid of both in a way. The fear of death is what keeps me alive, but I can’t help but curse that fact. I think that everyone’s roads lead to death and whatever happens after (if anything does), but that doesn’t mean we have to be in our mourning clothes and somber expressions the entire way there. There’s room for beauty, taking in the scenery, sitting just a little longer with someone you love, listening a little harder to someone’s stories, laughing with more sentiment, and I think that at the end of the day, that’s all we really can do. All roads lead to our end, but that doesn’t mean we have to ride in the hearse the entire time.