Clothing is king. From the birthday suit to the Emperor’s new clothes; that is all that matters. 

Growing up with a mother who was also uncomfortable with her body in clothes, it was passed to me. Many have grown up wearing all black because it is slimming. To hide our bodies by wearing oversized clothing. It took me years to get out of that mindset, but even then the dysmorphia with weight affects me. Some days I think I am thin, other days I am fat. My closet ranges from a size S to XL because I cannot accept how my body looks in clothing. I restructured my mind to not think of the variability of my closet, but I still feel narcissistic pride when I do fit in a size S. I say that it is because I am sticking it to the man! Being overweight but fitting such a small size, it is a miracle. But then I realize it is because sizing charts are horrific and so I should not attach this much importance to a number. 

But it is so hard to ignore it. 

Even stripping away all the decorations on our bodies, I Cannot except these rolls on my body. Does it truly fit me? A custom fit to the birthday suit. Squeezing yourself into these tubes does damage to the mind and body. Feel your toes. After years of trying to figure out what a snug fit for shoes is, my feet are constantly pressed together as though in perpetual shoes. Years of sucking in the stomach to pull up those jeans or wear that crop top. Growing out hair to cover your face and the arm fat when they press against your chest. Borrowing clothes means ripping out some of the seams to make it fit. Rationalizing that you can feel bone so it is not that much fat. Everything feels fat. I think if I could just lose this fat then everything would fit. My clothes and me. 

A size S can fit everything and everything smaller is better to society. 

It is literal trauma where I can only indulge in earrings because those will always fit. There is no faffing around with it like clothes and shoes. It is a guarantee that I can walk out the store with a bag like everyone else. It is horrifying to face the fact that my weight puts me at a disadvantage. Physically it weighs me down. Mentally I am in limbo over whether I am truly accepting it or living in denial that it exists.