Most people see being told they give good relationship advice and are very considerate to the other people in the relationship as a good thing, but I can’t help that it feels like the bane of my existence currently. It’s like I’m helping people study for relationships and communication 101 and they proudly show me their A with the attached “thanks to your help!” while I shuffle on with my F and backlog of assignments.
Being neurodivergent means that something is going on inside you that makes you deviate from the “norm” of people and how they operate in relation to the world. A common aspect of being neurodivergent is issues regarding communication and socialization. With myself, it means my depression causes me to forget I exist and haven’t talked to/heard from anyone in weeks, my anxiety and trauma makes it so any change in tone or lack of response causes my mental alarm bells to go off stating the person is angry /upset with me (rejection sensitive dysphoria also plays into this), and autism causes me to not fully understand context or how to vocalize the jumbled feelings I get. This cocktail in terms means that a lot of the time I put my foot in my mouth in conversation with people or even that since I am unsure what to say/if there is an actual issue present, I become a doormat to people, worried that anything I say or do will push them over their edge and cause them to run in the opposite direction as me, to never hear from them again.
I never know how to answer basic questions, “how are you?” while being honest yet reserved. “I’m doing horribly, I spend my days in bed and in tears.” That’s way too forward, that’s way too honest. “I’m doing okay! How about you?” That’s a lie, but it’s the answer I’ve been using because I don’t need to make my already small handful of relationships worse. Like I said, I’ve failed nearly all my relationships and I’m always so paranoid at somehow being “toxic” that I stop relationships before they even begin. Contrary to how my posts make me sound, I can handle relationships without coming off as too much, but feeling as though I’m balancing on a skinny pole above a pit of knives all pointed up has really stripped me bare. I’ve had people tell me that I’m “too unstable” to have any kind of relationships, it’s why I haven’t dated in over half a decade, it’s why I haven’t made any new friends in years. I’m unpalatable. An eyesore. A bad taste in people’s mouths. If one person says it, maybe they’re just angry, but if several people have parroted the same sentiment, there must be something wrong… Right…?
I’ve mentioned it before, but I’ve receded into myself, not many of the people in my life have noticed. Before it hurt, like I was being set ablaze, but now I can’t help but be a bit thankful? It’s best that whatever I’m working through is kept between me and myself. I had wanted to reach out to people but could never find the right words, the right way to explain my discrepancies. Perhaps it’s selfish to quietly wish those around me would notice the air of wrongness and say something, but perhaps that was also too ambitious… I have reached out a few times, but nothing ever came of it, nothing ever changed. I have also reached out and been turned away “you’re always depressed” they say. It’s true, I am always depressed, I have depression, but I’m also depressed because my life has gone belly up, like a sad faire goldfish handed to a toddler. I have also made the comment about my life being a sinking ship and knowing it would be wrong to demand people (those in my life) stay aboard. I think my ship has sunk, and I am now one of the unfortunate passengers in the ocean, screaming and blowing an emergency whistle hoping a life boat will turn back for me, though we’ve seen Titanic and how well that hope turned out…
I’m sorry this is such a miserable blog post, I’ve written it while crying so keeping the strong emotions I’m feeling at bay isn’t working too well. Over my life I had learned to bottle things up, then to be open and honest, and currently I am back at bottling things up. I think my life is coming to a head, something’s gotta give… I can’t see any life boat but I can’t help in praying one does come back…
Unruly Bodies 
Hello,
I don’t know what to say to exactly to have a productive comment. I know there were a lot of feelings in this post. When it comes to relationship advice, I’m sort of the same? I usually help my best friends with romantic or family advice. It seems to help them, but I feel sort of disconnected in a way. Only recently have I improve my relationship with my mother. It wasn’t bad before, but it wasn’t great either. Just at a middle ground. I can say I know how that sinking feeling can be. Sometimes I sit and wonder if it’s all worth it, but then I think of all the adventures I haven’t had and it makes me push on. Even thought I’m terrified of the future. I haven’t made any new friends in the past year because I’m afraid that it won’t go right, or that I might be overbearing. But if you ever need anyone to talk to, I’d love to be a sounding board. I appreciate that you were able to share this post with us.
I have struggled with a very similar thing throughout my life. Sometime in middle school I learned that I was too much. I was annoying. No one liked me. So I covered my self up in sugary sweetness and I kept quiet when I felt them pulling away and attended to their every need. At some point I started hoping someone would read my mind the way I could read others. That someone would see my pain the way I saw theirs. But of course they couldn’t. I didn’t want them to. But I also desperately needed them to. I’m in a much better place with my close relationships now. I no longer invest in friendships that don’t give back, but that was not always the case. And it’s still so hard. I have to constantly fight to remember my boundaries. I have to fight to keep them in place, not because anyone else is trying to cross them, but because I’m so used to letting them down. I’m so sorry you’re struggling right now. I remember that feeling all too well. It never really leaves. You deserve someone in your corner. You deserve to be taken care of. You deserved to be loved with all the love you give to others.
Hi,
I think your blog post is something that so many people can relate to and I just want you to know that you are seen and you are heard. I couldn’t relate more to the section were you discuss not knowing how to answer when someone asks how you are. To be honest, the people asking most of the time don’t care so what would I even say, and then if I was telling the truth, they wouldn’t be listening either. The section were you speak about your past relationships is also very relatable. No one is perfect and sometimes it just takes time for others to figure that out.
Reading this was a little eerie as I’ve undergone some similar challenges. Being neurodivergent and being in a place one day where abruptly everyone thinks your advice is great is incredibly jarring when just a few years prior you were constantly screwing up, putting your foot in your mouth and generally alienating everyone. There’s something to be said for gaining lived experience but sometimes I’d rather give it back instead of suddenly being the wise mom friend.