My early years of elementary school were filled with many happy childhood memories with family and friends, but they also reflect a pretty dark and challenging period of my life. When I was seven years old, I got some of the most shocking news of my life at the time. My parents sat me down and had to explain to their little girl that they were no longer going to live with each other… they were going to be seeking a separation. At such a young age, I felt helpless as I did not understand why this was happening. After that conversation I had to observe over a period of time my dad slowly move his things out of our house and into his new apartment. During this period, I especially felt lonely considering my two older brothers were moved out by this point and therefore I was the main one that felt the brunt of the impact. My new normal was staying primarily with my mom during the week and going to my dad’s every other weekend. Although my parents were always respectful of each other during this difficult time and always stressed their love and support for me in which I still continued a happy and healthy childhood, the impact of their separation took a negative toll on my physical health.

I started suffering extreme separation anxiety in a way I never experienced before, however, I never knew how to really cope with the separation so my emotions would bottle up and instead impact my body. The biggest symptom I experienced were two types of stomach problems, the most dangerous being purging. I went through a phase in which my anxiety got to the point that I was unable to swallow, like it literally scared me to swallow food, I physically could not do it. It was like I had fears of choking or something. Instead I would find myself chewing my food but instead of swallowing it, I would either spit it into a napkin or into the toilet. I went what seems like a long time without being caught however, I still remember vividly the day my mom caught me. We had gone out to Applebees after she picked me up from daycare as a special treat and I ordered my favorite, chicken tenders and fries. Not long into our meal she noticed me using multiple napkins and balling them up as if I was hiding something. When she noticed what I was doing, we immediately headed home and she called my dad. What a stressful night. Soon after, I was visiting doctors left and right to see what was wrong until I finally received a diagnosis… acid reflux. It sounded good at the time but between you and me as I reflect now, I think my issue was a cry for help or seeking attention during such a difficult time. I was placed on medicine and eventually (although it took some time) I was comfortable eating again. However, although purging was no longer a problem for me, the anxieties from it still lingered in that I still have anxiety eating in front of people because sometimes for sake of comfortability I have to eat slower. So, when I eat with people and they finish first it is extremely uncomfortable as I feel like now, I’m being judged and stared at.

Luckily by the time I was nine my parents reunited and have been happily married since, however I found myself still suffering from the trauma of their separation. Although I was no longer purging, a new stomach problem emerged which stemmed from separation anxiety. No longer was I just experiencing separation anxiety of when I was with one parent and not the other, but it extended to other family and friends closest to me. I never wanted to leave my parents as I always had the constant fear of them separating again or even worse while I was gone. My best friend who I had literally gone to Puerto with for two weeks the summer prior to their separation and had no issues, I was no longer able to even sleepover one night at her house. There were multiple times that my mom had to pick me up from her house or somewhere we were hanging out because anxiety would consume me until the point that I had terrible stomachaches. My symptoms were still being blamed on my acid reflux diagnosis however, as I sit here at almost 22 years old, I have a better understanding of my body and recognize the true toll stress and anxiety have on me.