I wake up, almost in a panic. I have a full day of classes and each one challenges me differently. I like the challenge but at the end of the semester, it’s almost too much to bear. I should be grateful, that I get to attend school, learn, and have opportunities. Just being able to attend should be enough, but I can’t get past myself. So much work and so little time. When I started it was fun, four years of floating by and having fun. Now as the end nears, the fear of the future hits me.
The idea of the future entices me, but also sends me into a tailspin of thoughts. At this point, I thought id have more figured out, and be a bit more put together. I’m still unsure of a career path and have no idea if Baltimore is my forever home. I wonder where I’ll be in ten years. My sisters both married with children and successful lives (whatever that means) seemingly have it all figured out. I’m the wild card, anything could happen and I could end up anywhere. This is exciting but something about it also makes me crave what they have, the stability and the comfort of loosely knowing what the future hold.
Sometimes I’m afraid I won’t be what I dreamed I would be. To make change, make a name for myself, and live authentically as myself. I want to create, influence, and entertain. After a few glasses of wine, it seems manageable, but as the morning sun comes into my room, reality sets. If I want to do this, I have to hustle and try. I think I get this way when things end, it could be a tv show I’m obsessing over, a semester of school, or a friendship. Endings are natural. My brain feels foggy and unclear, maybe when the semester is over, a new light will come in.
I’m overwhelmed. I want to make my younger self proud. Where do I start, and how far will I go to get it? What do I have to do to make my mark? This is all feeling very Carrie Bradshaw. This post is a mess, just like me right now, but I wanted to be real. I wish my last post was more polished and academic, but it’s not and I think that’s ok. One thing I’ve learned from this course is the validity of feelings, and how real change starts from within.
As this chapter closes, I prepare for the next. And just like that, maybe it’s the one where everything comes together.
Unruly Bodies 
This is a really impactful post. I connect to a lot of these same feelings too. It can be so disorienting and frightening to feel like you honestly have no idea where you’re going in life. I think some people are more comfortable living through a set of values and experiences that have been almost pre-programmed into us as what should be our goal, but you’re absolutely right in wanting to make yourself proud, even if it’s not easy to figure out what that means. I’m trying to work things out with myself to recognize that it’s okay to not know where I’m going — life happens in every single moment, and it’s not less valuable just because you’re not exactly where you want to be in the future. You can still be present in these current moments and accept the not-knowing feeling, especially being young, it’s so normal and life will pass you by if you spend all of it worrying about where your future self will be. Maybe it would be healing in a way to value whatever you can find joyful in where you are now.