I know there is something wrong with me, and I have no idea what it is. I’ve had generalized anxiety disorder since I was a child and depression since I was 9 years old. I didn’t received medication until I was 18 and I’ve only had therapy once or twice- it did not work. Over the past two years, my medication has given me a life I’ve never known, one with happiness and freedom. I didn’t have the weight in my chest and the pain in my lungs that I’d lived with for the first 18 years of my life. I had to learn who I was all over again, a me separate from my mental illnesses.

I knew that it wasn’t going to magically go away, that my issues were ones that I would battle for the rest of my life. I would have ups and downs, periods of anxiety and sadness, and constant battles with my own mind. But they would be significantly less frequent and debilitating, and I could get through them with hope for a future rather than a wish to end. I could handle them much better, and I have been over the past two years. Overall, even though the pandemic has been a terrible time for many, I’ve literally never been this happy in my life.

Lately, something has been creeping back. Perhaps it never fully went away. I think- I know- there is something else that is not being treated. Why does my brain still intrusively tell me that people hate me? That I am a burden? That I will never be anything to anyone? If my anxiety is lessened, and my depression is lower, why are these feelings coming back? I’ve talked to people, I’ve done my mental exercises, and I’ve taken time to care for myself. I did and continue to do all of the things I’ve done over the past two years when I felt myself slipping back into the anxiety and depression. But lately, it hasn’t been enough.

I inquired to a therapy place, but they have no room. They can only accept out-of-pocket pay, which I can’t afford. I’ve got a small list, but I am not optimistic. I think my symptoms and feelings are a sign of PTSD, but I can’t be certain without a diagnosis. Part of me just wants an answer so I can get the treatment- therapy, a pill, something. But getting the answers seems impossible right now, and healthcare won’t cover what doesn’t have a diagnosis. I’m afraid of slipping again, because I can recognize the signs now and I can’t seem to stop it.

I’m not sure why I felt emboldened to write so personally tonight- perhaps it’s because it’s late, or this is the final post, or I’m just throwing a line out to get something in return. But if anyone has any resources, let me know. Tonight, I am okay and I’m doing good. But lately, I’ve needed some help.