Im starting this out by saying this is the hardest post to write because I’m not very good at being vulnerable, But at the same time its a huge part of the reason why i’m struggling so hard with everything right now. I was originally gonna write a light hearted post about the way a video game I was playing could be used as a case study for accessibility but I decided to write this instead.
Basically I’ve been going through a big identity crisis lately and its been hard to find my footing when I don’t even know who I am anymore. I used to be someone who was so sure of who she was, an embodiment of self assurance and confidence not afraid to be different and face the world head on with a smile. Someone who knew everything would be alright in the end because it always had been. Someone who saw her greatest strength was talking to people. Someone who knew what she wanted and had big dreams and aspirations.
But things have changed. for one that girl was 19 the last time she was herself before being told she has to stay inside for a long time. Then out of no where she’s 21 being told she’s a full adult despite feeling like she’s still fresh out of high school. losing two years has also made me lose my grip on time and there are days I have to remind myself that I did actually spend two birthdays in a quarantine and that no I can not call myself a teenager anymore because i’m truly not even though I never fully learned what it means to exist with out the “teen” at the end of my age. Im still grappling with the fact that I’m not in the same position I was in when I entered quarentine. that im closer to the age when my parents got married then I am to when I graduated high School. That im seeing my friends talk about grad school when I still feel frozen in time in my second year of college. I forget that were not the same people we were when this started.
I also lost my Nana this year. I didn’t realize how much her loss would affect me and its really threw me for a loop. I feel like I lost a connection to a large part of my identity when I lost her. She over the years has been the only consistent person of my extended family in my life and also one of the only connections I’ve had to my families history in the past. she was the only one who had the knowledge and was willing to tell me stories about my families heritage and our family in Italy and it has been hard realizing that connection is now gone. Its been weird celebrating holidays with out her, its only been me and my imediate family and it just feels so off.
finally I feel like im stuck in place while everything is moving with out me. It feels like the world is totally different now and I feel differently about it. I feel like im fighting off my apathy with a stick sometimes because everything is moving to fast for me to even try and keep up. I used to see my voice as my biggest strength but recently its been the thing that’s made the most mistakes in my life to the point where I just want to shut up but my brain doesn’t allow it because with out my voice what do I have? I no longer am confident I know what im doing but instead feel myself cracking under the pressure to know what im supposed to do. everything feels like so much I just want it all to stop so I push it all away and sabotage myself. I don’t want to fail but in being too scared to do so I keep myself from succeeding and I dont know what to do.
In this class we’ve talked a lot about embodiment and how we embody our identities in this world but how do you embody something you feel like you’ve lost? even more so how do you embody something you feel like your still trying to find? and most importantly how so you feel like yourself again when you lost so much of who you were?
I miss the person I used to be because right now I feel like a stranger to myself.
Unruly Bodies 
First of all, I’m really sorry for your loss. I can really relate to feeling like you’ve lost a part of yourself. I think quarantine was really tough for that exact reason. The world doesn’t ever stop but what if you do for a bit? What do you do then? This post kind of reminds me of a song from Beetlejuice The Musical – it’s about the main character losing her mom. One line says, “the world carries on, that’s that! You’re invisible when you’re sad.” I unfortunately don’t have any solid answers, but I can say that you’re definitely not alone and I really feel your struggle. I believe in you and your journey.
I’m so proud of you that you able to share this with us, and I’m sorry for the passing of your Nana. Also, you said, “I used to be someone who was so sure of who she was, an embodiment of self-assurance and confidence not afraid to be different and face the world head on with a smile. Someone who knew everything would be alright in the end because it always had been. Someone who saw her greatest strength was talking to people. Someone who knew what she wanted and had big dreams and aspirations.”, and that honestly made me tear up, because I’m in the exact same position. I literally feel like I’m not the same girl anymore. I don’t get as happy anymore, laugh amongst my friends as much, being able to dance and be goofy wherever/whenever, have confidence in myself and voice, and just feel invisible. It hurts when you miss your old self, because you try so hard to bring some aspects of that with you, but it never happens or it’s by force. I’ve been honestly asking the same questions, because I want HER back, but I don’t know what to do.
This hit hard, friend. I’m so sorry for the loss of your Nana. Grief is a tough beast to deal with.
That confusion of age and the feeling that time is moving without you is something that really resonated with me — I was also 19 when lockdown started and I turned 21 this summer, and the prospect of real adulthood is terrifying because we never really finished up being kids. Growing and changing over the last two years, while also being stuck in the same place the entire time, makes it really difficult for any of it to feel real. It makes me sad to miss my old self, and to not know what kind of person I would have become over the last 2 years if covid hadn’t happened. I know I’ve learned a lot of good stuff over the last 2 years, but it still sucks that we got locked away right when we were figuring out how to become people because I could have learned different stuff that didn’t involve a pandemic.
You ask a lot of hard questions and honestly I’m not sure if any of them have an answer.
I extend my condolences to you and your family. Making a post must have taken a lot so truly, I applaud you. As someone who has also struggled with finding who they are amidst all tragedy, I’m here to tell you that you are not alone and that it gets better.
I’m sorry for your loss. Struggling with identity is hard, especially during quarantine, and I relate to your story a lot. I don’t have the answers but I do know that it gets easier over time. Change is scary, but it can also be an opportunity to find something new about yourself, which is always exciting. I wish you the best of luck, you’re not alone.
I can feel where you’re coming from. Going into a pandemic and “coming out” a few years later as an adult is a scary thing. Especially when there has been so much self learning and societal reflection that have been heightened for the past few years. Feeling like you’ve missed milestones that you should have gone through. Also, I’m really really sorry for your loss, I know the loss of a loved one can be a difficult time. Hoping the best for you