Every time, I can feel the tears fighting their way up to my eyes. I can taste the nauseating anger in my mouth. I can feel my lungs getting tired of the exhausted sigh that is soon to come. All my body wants to do is scream or fight or sob or something. But instead, I just smile – not a real smile, but the type of “white person” smile you give someone on the street. And I try to move on with my day…but sometimes I can’t.
Being misgendered is mentally taxing, as knowing that your gender is being perceived improperly (whether accidentally or purposefully) is exhausting and harmful. However, as we know, mental taxes translate to physical reactions as well. This past week I was misgendered a lot. Like, even more than normal. I work in food service, and even though I have 8 pronoun pins on my apron, one customer in the past year and change has actually noticed. Last Friday was an incredibly busy night, and I was she’d for basically four straight hours. Not great, but nothing I haven’t faced before. I had to go to the dentist twice, and that was a lot of she’ing as well. I also had to go to court for a ticket (big oops on my part), and there, DESPITE HAVING AN X MARKER ON MY LICENSE AND A BLANK SPOT ON THE TICKET WHERE IT SAID SEX, the judge confidently and assuredly came out swinging with “Miss Simone.”
I had a small mental breakdown about all of this on Friday. I was in the car sobbing to my mom, ranting about how no one respects me enough to see me for who I really am. But there’s another issue layered in there too: I’m not correcting these people. Whether it’s just too much of an inconvenience, too much pressure, or “not the right time,” I almost never can bring myself to say a simple, “oh actually, it’s they.” Which is kind of tricky. Because on one hand, I’m doing the right things: I have pronoun pins on my apron, backpack, and jackets, I have my pronouns in my bio on Instagram and with my name on GroupMe and in classes, I introduce myself with they/them at school, I have the X marker on my license…but none of this actually helps influence the ordinary people I encounter in my daily life.
Those feelings that rush over me when I’m misgendered are pretty similar to those feelings I experience when I try to force myself to correct someone. AND! The kicker is that I have zero hesitation when it comes to my friends. Misgender my friend once and you’ll get a swift correction, misgender them twice and I’ll have to talk myself down from smacking you across the face. But when it’s me, I’m filled with so much anxiety it’s basically spilling out of my ears and I can’t get the words to come out of my mouth.
I think part of this is the pressure we put on trans people and the lack of pressure we put on cis people. If I introduce myself with my pronouns, I shouldn’t feel bad that you “can’t remember” or “aren’t used to it” when you misgender me. You should feel bad for causing me mental and physical pain every time. And I shouldn’t have to be “proud” of you when you finally get it right!!!! You’re just doing the bare minimum…why should I pat you on the back for that?
I guess this is my extremely long-winded way of pleading my cis readers to be aware. Do your part to save the trans humans you may encounter out there the heartache and discomfort of being misgendered. Read those pins and pay attention to those introductions, because not only am I tired, my body is tired, and pretty soon I’m going to need to hibernate to be able to face another “she.”
Unruly Bodies 
Simone, thank you for sharing this. I can read that you’re trying to have a sense of humor about it (ik exactly what you mean by the white person smile hahahaha!) but it’s such a frustrating circumstance! I am so sorry. You are absolutely right that the pressure is put in the wrong place- people should feel bad about misgendering one another, not making the misgendered person feel bad! I am so sorry this is happening more. I know the holidays are a busy time for a lot of businesses, I’m hoping the people misgendering are more careless and rushed than they are cruel. Regardless- I’m sorry you’re experiencing this. You aren’t doing anything wrong. Thank you for sharing, and I hope things change for you soon 😢❤️
THIS!! Friend I’ve done all the exact same things, with the pins on my bag and work apron, with introducing myself with my pronouns, with correcting for my friends but not for myself. It’s exhausting and infuriating. I swear it cannot be this difficult for cis people, I know I’ve met cis people who aren’t awful, but some of them really cannot seem to put the pieces together. The most maddening ones for me are either when someone acts like calling me “they” is a huge accomplishment (it’s not bro I am not giving you a high five for showing basic human decency) or when someone misgenders me and then tells me how much it hurt them to hurt me. Like cis people I simply do not give a shit if you hurt your own feelings by being transphobic do better.
You’ve articulated this so well, the frustration and pain that comes from having the babysit everyone around us and maintain their comfort even though misgendering trans people is literally an act of violence. We deserve respect, and our existence isn’t an inconvenience, and it’s fucked up that we have to go around acting like those things aren’t true.
I resonate with a lot the feelings in this post. It’s so exhausting, and I think that’s part of the reason I stopped bothering to correct people. It’s not my job to educate, and the least they could do is show me respect. You’re not alone, and it really sucks.
I am so sorry that you have to deal with this. Being misgendered really adds to the dysphoria one feels. You could be having a perfectly good day and being misgendered can immediately change the tone for the rest of your time. I understand how frustrating it can be, especially when people weaponize their ignorance and do it on purpose. How hard is it to not be an asshole? I really hope you feel better :c