In this piece , I want to start off by saying , we often find ourselves wanting to be like others , and hyper-analyzing our own self proclaimed flaws to which could be to others our fine points. Beauty is to the eye of the beholder, everyone has beauty inside them, I feel as if its how you radiate that beauty through your confidence that creates your flaws and perfections. Appreciate every aspect of yourself those you can change and those you cannot change. As it holds beauty no matter what.

I always struggled with confidence , even as a child unless I was certain of my ability I wouldn’t dare try or do it fear of the reactions in which my Father or peers would have. Being an individual that constantly messes up and has to go about routes that are rather unconventional , I was labeled as a “fuck up” at a young age. Often found myself having to sit in silence as I’m berated with questions. “Can you do anything right?” , “are you even paying attention?” until it gets to the I’ll do it myself stage. “Just leave it alone , I’ll do it myself or ill get your brother”? I found these turn events occurring in all walks of life , whether it was school , everyday activities , chores , favors , sports. Anything that involved my father. I never realized how much he affected me until my freshman year of college. When I stopped playing soccer and resided to gaming and academics , I gained a lot of weight and continued to blow myself up like a balloon, the sweet tooth always gets what it wants. In the moment , whilst your living it you truly don’t realize the changes that occur to your body. Thus when this arose , my father literally or hypothetically disowned , wanted nothing to do with me because of my appearance and size. I always would just play it off , and ignore his comments. Continued to grow , then I entered high school. Thank the Lord , I had some sort of mental toughness due to my father because I promise you every single day I would be called ugly at least 3 times a day, a peer or friend would just look at me bust out into laughter and say “you know you ugly right?”. Then to make matters worse I had HORRIBLE acne, I must admit it was pretty bad, friends(were they really?) use to call me crunch bar. I found myself not caring and laughing on the situations as I already built a mental fortitude within myself, Idk what would’ve happened if I wasn’t just a walking ball of love & humor who deflects all type of negativity and doubt. But subconsciously , I had a mental image as If I was ugly squidward mixed with when he ate too many crabby patties.

Then the change happened , I realized that in fact I did not want to live like this anymore , I of course would sometimes feel a way due to the words , I’m not superman but I wouldn’t care I felt comfortable in my skin until I didn’t. Until I wanted a change , maybe partially sparked by falling in love with a girl who wouldn’t even look my direction. Only slightly , it twas not only in hopes of gaining her attention I promise but to gain back my confidence. That summer entering junior year of high school , I went to the gym every single day and ran, walked , jogged , skipped you name it for an hour on the treadmill and lifted weights until I became slim/fit. The change was acknowledged by all; neighbors , classmates , peers from church, and most of all my father. Yet , in my mind I still felt fat , I still felt as if it wasn’t enough , as I cycled through weight gain and loss even now as a junior in sophomore, I still feel fat it was not until just recently when my parents(my father mainly of course) believes I lost too much weight and I’m starting to look very small maybe sickly as an exaggeration since he’s use to seeing me with a big frame. Plus of course , when your body becomes fit and your face matures and your features define itself you begin to look better to yourself , and others. However, no matter how many times I’m complimented I subconsciously believe to myself at the end of the day I’m ugly. Is this due to the subconscious ? Though I deflect the comments consciously do they really do stick? As I dove deeper seeking the significance and crucial factor to why I felt this way, I was sent a picture of myself from 8th/9th grade. Where I have my shirt up and I look like a different person. I consciously never remembered myself looking like this , I don’t even remember looking in the mirror a lot. Or ? Did I purposely delete those memories from that phase of my life, even my family had no recollection of me being that size, of course except my father. Yet these memories and events though erased from my conscious I believe they plague my subconscious.

Though I don’t write this to say anything as if it was traumatic , sure my dad had harsh ways of showing his care for me but I truly do appreciate it. I feel as if I didn’t have that negative pressure or better yet a villain in my story , I probably would have grown to an unhealthy size which I already was at the time . It took truly looking within myself whilst forgiving him to realize everything he said to me , every reaction , every subtle remark was to spark a change in me. Make me realize, because he would give me the world if I acted right , I love him , he’s the best. And Just like the movie soul where in order for the soul to get to earth is for them to get an earth pass, which is a spark or mistakenly purpose. I feel as if we all experience life or go through life riding the wave until we either fall to our lowest point and there’s a spark for change , are given an opportunity of a lifetime that sparks a change of lifestyle and focus , or simply maybe the opinions of those we love most. Love yourself through in and through out , don’t fall victim to your villains use their words as motivation, the more you become at peace with yourself the more your beauty radiates, the more you prove them wrong and continue to sharpen yourself the more confidence you develop. I love those moments genuinely as I feel as they shaped me into the good place I am in right now to start my upwards trend in life and enter any endeavor with confidence. I wonder how my self-image will be next year around this time.

Fun Fact : I did not get that girl , but I gained her attention and we became good friends.