In this piece , I want to start off by saying , we often find ourselves wanting to be like others , and hyper-analyzing our own self proclaimed flaws to which could be to others our fine points. Beauty is to the eye of the beholder, everyone has beauty inside them, I feel as if its how you radiate that beauty through your confidence that creates your flaws and perfections. Appreciate every aspect of yourself those you can change and those you cannot change. As it holds beauty no matter what.

I always struggled with confidence , even as a child unless I was certain of my ability I wouldn’t dare try or do it fear of the reactions in which my Father or peers would have. Being an individual that constantly messes up and has to go about routes that are rather unconventional , I was labeled as a “fuck up” at a young age. Often found myself having to sit in silence as I’m berated with questions. “Can you do anything right?” , “are you even paying attention?” until it gets to the I’ll do it myself stage. “Just leave it alone , I’ll do it myself or ill get your brother”? I found these turn events occurring in all walks of life , whether it was school , everyday activities , chores , favors , sports. Anything that involved my father. I never realized how much he affected me until my freshman year of college. When I stopped playing soccer and resided to gaming and academics , I gained a lot of weight and continued to blow myself up like a balloon, the sweet tooth always gets what it wants. In the moment , whilst your living it you truly don’t realize the changes that occur to your body. Thus when this arose , my father literally or hypothetically disowned , wanted nothing to do with me because of my appearance and size. I always would just play it off , and ignore his comments. Continued to grow , then I entered high school. Thank the Lord , I had some sort of mental toughness due to my father because I promise you every single day I would be called ugly at least 3 times a day, a peer or friend would just look at me bust out into laughter and say “you know you ugly right?”. Then to make matters worse I had HORRIBLE acne, I must admit it was pretty bad, friends(were they really?) use to call me crunch bar. I found myself not caring and laughing on the situations as I already built a mental fortitude within myself, Idk what would’ve happened if I wasn’t just a walking ball of love & humor who deflects all type of negativity and doubt. But subconsciously , I had a mental image as If I was ugly squidward mixed with when he ate too many crabby patties.

Then the change happened , I realized that in fact I did not want to live like this anymore , I of course would sometimes feel a way due to the words , I’m not superman but I wouldn’t care I felt comfortable in my skin until I didn’t. Until I wanted a change , maybe partially sparked by falling in love with a girl who wouldn’t even look my direction. Only slightly , it twas not only in hopes of gaining her attention I promise but to gain back my confidence. That summer entering junior year of high school , I went to the gym every single day and ran, walked , jogged , skipped you name it for an hour on the treadmill and lifted weights until I became slim/fit. The change was acknowledged by all; neighbors , classmates , peers from church, and most of all my father. Yet , in my mind I still felt fat , I still felt as if it wasn’t enough , as I cycled through weight gain and loss even now as a junior in sophomore, I still feel fat it was not until just recently when my parents(my father mainly of course) believes I lost too much weight and I’m starting to look very small maybe sickly as an exaggeration since he’s use to seeing me with a big frame. Plus of course , when your body becomes fit and your face matures and your features define itself you begin to look better to yourself , and others. However, no matter how many times I’m complimented I subconsciously believe to myself at the end of the day I’m ugly. Is this due to the subconscious ? Though I deflect the comments consciously do they really do stick? As I dove deeper seeking the significance and crucial factor to why I felt this way, I was sent a picture of myself from 8th/9th grade. Where I have my shirt up and I look like a different person. I consciously never remembered myself looking like this , I don’t even remember looking in the mirror a lot. Or ? Did I purposely delete those memories from that phase of my life, even my family had no recollection of me being that size, of course except my father. Yet these memories and events though erased from my conscious I believe they plague my subconscious.

Though I don’t write this to say anything as if it was traumatic , sure my dad had harsh ways of showing his care for me but I truly do appreciate it. I feel as if I didn’t have that negative pressure or better yet a villain in my story , I probably would have grown to an unhealthy size which I already was at the time . It took truly looking within myself whilst forgiving him to realize everything he said to me , every reaction , every subtle remark was to spark a change in me. Make me realize, because he would give me the world if I acted right , I love him , he’s the best. And Just like the movie soul where in order for the soul to get to earth is for them to get an earth pass, which is a spark or mistakenly purpose. I feel as if we all experience life or go through life riding the wave until we either fall to our lowest point and there’s a spark for change , are given an opportunity of a lifetime that sparks a change of lifestyle and focus , or simply maybe the opinions of those we love most. Love yourself through in and through out , don’t fall victim to your villains use their words as motivation, the more you become at peace with yourself the more your beauty radiates, the more you prove them wrong and continue to sharpen yourself the more confidence you develop. I love those moments genuinely as I feel as they shaped me into the good place I am in right now to start my upwards trend in life and enter any endeavor with confidence. I wonder how my self-image will be next year around this time.

Fun Fact : I did not get that girl , but I gained her attention and we became good friends.

Caution: No animals were seriously injured over the course of this story. The stunts performed in this story was performed by professionals , and stuntmen(like myself ofc hehe).

I know for a fact , we’ve all experienced a phenomena where we are placed in situations where we have a choice to be called to action , or stray from the danger. Situations where we are persuaded by our moral compass of what’s good and bad ,some may call it civic duty. Yet in this case I’m very conflicted in regards to what my actions warranted.

It starts with a Siberian Husky named Max, one fine afternoon when I got off the bus this beautiful white and black ,furry dog approached me in a manner so playful yet with no owner around I can only think he was lost and had ran away. Now if you know anything about Siberian Huskies you know that in their minds any sudden movement towards them is a sign of play , and lord knows huskies know how to play. Now imagine a young 5’11 male running miles around the neighborhood attempting to tame a wild Pokémon. I wish I could attach videos where I’m running after Max and he hits me with the meanest juke , stealing my ankles causing me to fall onto the ground of someone’s drive way. As I progressed more and more throughout my neighborhood I gained the attention of many passerby’s and bystanders who were in their cars and those on their walks would take notice and care for the wild Pokemon(my new name for Max) as he dodged every poke ball there is I could of possibly threw at him. For instance , we would catch Max then with one slight twist of the neck we lose grip of his collar and he’s off to the races as if he is a horse racing for money.

Now this is where it gets conflicting , Max decided it was a good idea to run full speed towards a busy highway. Now when I say busy I mean busy, and Max being naïve; since he was a puppy for sure , didn’t know any better. That we weren’t chasing him in hopes of playing with him , yet with intentions of saving him. Turns out Max ended up getting hit by a car , then sprints full dash into the woods that connects to our neighborhood. Thankfully , the vet was right off the side of the highway, seeing the whole thing unfold they rush out to try an aid Max. Yet he had already ran-off , thus a man hunt started for our little Pokemon. The hunt went on for about 30 minutes until , we tracked him to a house we suspected Max ran away from.

This is where it gets even crazier, when we knocked on the door for the owners of Max , they never knew Max left and that Max was home the whole time. After getting hit by the car Max ran back home. To our surprise and dismay , me and a fellow good Samaritan did not know what to do or say except feel like this.

So I must ask , was it really better for me to step up and try and be the hero for Max , possibly causing him to get by a car. Or should I have minded my business and let him roam. This is for you guys to answer to me!!

Do you know yourself? I know I know it sounds a little redundant, but genuinely I want you to take the time and ask yourself do you truly know yourself? Do you know what makes you happy? what brings you peace? Do you know how to deal with the emotions that arise in your body ? Do you know why you feel these things? I for one would like to think I do or at least I thought so. Ever since I was a child I had to deal with my emotions. As I grew up I honed my skills and began to realize what’s important and learned new lessons about myself. I began to see emotions as different means of energy that overwhelms the body, yet due to my mindset I would always achieve my default state, happiness. I don’t know what it was, but I would always maintain a positive state of mind, no matter the situation ,the problem , or the demons I face. I guess I was forced into this way since my brother is 6 years older than me so relating on things whilst we were children was kind of hard, once I reached about 5/6, I believe he was over my cuteness and realized my annoyance. Yet through this from a young age I found myself subconsciously maturing mentally gradually and gradually. I would be doing what Carl Jung refers to as shadow work, which is essentially diving into the unconscious substance that shapes our everyday thoughts , emotions , and behaviors.

Shadow work pushes you to challenge the repressed factors that reside within your psyche, that can be caused due to childhood trauma , and other traumas that arose in your life that you bottled up and pushed deep to the back of your mind. Question such as these :

Through these questions , you gain a sense of reassurance and self-confidence. I know everyone has been through hardship especially during these past two years with the Corona pandemic , however I feel as if you are able to identify and align yourself with the peace and joys of your life , you can overcome any struggle. Any social problem as you yourself will know your truths.

With that I would like to ask again; do you truly know yourself? If you don’t know I can overtly advocate trying out shadow work. You’ll truly acknowledge your pain , passions , and slay your demons.

Side Note: If you like Kid Cudi , this album was one for the books.