Phenomenology & Trauma 

When it comes to literature that isn’t required for school, then best believe I will finish a good book in a day. Except for one book. “The Body Keeps Score” by Bessel van der Kolk. A book I picked up in hopes of understanding the root and healing process of trauma without realizing how triggering and difficult it actually is to read. One of my coping mechanisms (which by the way I do not recommend) is to bury memories and store them in a place that I don’t ever want to revisit. Realistically speaking you cannot erase experiences. Experiences no matter how small or how big the impact will always stick with you. 

When we first approached the topic of phenomenology my brain immediately went to how I am struggling to read this book. I am struggling with my own journey of phenomenology. Identifying an experience is one thing, but having to dive into its structure or the meaning within that experience is a whole other level. 

For the sake of this blog I’ll dive into a pretty recent experience of what I would describe as phenomenology. Whenever I am walking and someone is coming towards me in the exact opposite direction more than likely if they are a white man they will not move out the way. Two things usually happen; I move out of the way or we bump into each other. Even after bumping into each other I often will not hear the words “sorry” or “excuse me”. This experience has been happening for years. Recently I have explored the structure surrounding this experience and how it shapes my actions. In the moment of this experience I become tense, uncomfortable, and start overthinking. Very similar to the way my body automatically reacts to walking into not so diverse environments. It feels threatened and unsafe. Before diving into the layers that surround this “phenomena” of coming close to a white man on the street, I would just lightheartedly say, “some people are just rude”. When in fact it has shaped my subconscious reaction in experiences to follow. 

Now that was a very real example. But also not something with that big of a magnitude in my life that I would feel the need to bring up in therapy or would associate to the trauma recalled when reading, “The Body Keeps Score”. Take that example as an outline of what happens when I turn the pages of the book and begin to revisit past traumas and realize the layers of complexity behind them. Oftentimes overcome with heavy emotion and dark moments of enlightenment I shut the book and put away my memories. One day I will do better with studying my own phenomenology.