I don’t like myself much. I can’t remember the last time I did. I avoid looking at myself in mirrors. I dress in big baggy clothes to hide my figure. I even keep to myself most of the time out of fear of doing/saying the wrong thing. So, how did this happen?
These feelings come from how I am perceived by my family. When I was a child, I had trouble controlling my emotions and would act out, as most children do. But the thing is my family still perceives me as that child who is acting out/rebelling, no matter what I do. From this, they have their own little comments that they throw toward me. These comments hurt and have caused me to turn in on myself because they make me feel as though I am not good enough and am looked down upon. My family is also obsessed with weight and losing it. Their mindset of it has caused me to have an unhealthy relationship with food. Every time I eat, I almost start crying because of how guilty I feel that I may gain weight. I mean how are you supposed to love yourself and feel confident when your own family makes you feel like you are not? I reversed how much of a problem this had on me until now looking back on my senior year of high school. It makes so much sense as to why I was a mess.
During senior year I would go to school every day and cry through my first class and then just feel numb for the rest of the day. This is because of how lost I felt. High school was ending, and I didn’t know what I wanted to do or where I wanted to go, I never thought about that stuff. I was also dealing with my family stuff, like I said above, leading me to have so much self-hatred. Things got better after a while when I met my boyfriend, who helped me a lot with figuring out my emotions and dealing with them. But I still struggle with them today.
I still feel unsure of my body and how if I act in the right way. I still feel that no one really likes me deep down and I’m never going to be pretty or skinny enough for anyone and that’s why I have no friends. I’ve cried so many times over longing for a best friend. Someone who is like me and truly understands me, but I don’t think that day will ever come due to these thoughts and my social solid anxiety. I wonder what is wrong with feeling this way and why I can’t just be normal. Have I ever really been happy? My brain feels weird constantly like it’s in a big jumble.
There are very few times though that contradict this feeling of hatred and unknowingness for myself. Where I can look at myself in the mirror and feel pretty. Where I feel like I’m not a horrible person and can have as many friends as I want. These feelings never last long though, as my anxiety reminds me I have no right to feel this way. I am not good enough to feel this way.
For now, I try to do my best to continue to move through life. I hope that once I finish school and start doing the things I really want and be on my own I can get better and feel like I am enough for myself. I can feel normal and like nothing is wrong with me. It’s hard to get better when you are stuck in the same environment that made you bad. I wonder if there is anyone out there who feels the exact same way I do and has the same experiences as me.
Unruly Bodies 
hii,
I just want to say, can we please be friends? I feel the exact same way, but it hurts me to see when other people feel this way. I think the reason that is, is because I know how it feels to deeply hate yourself. It is actually the worst feeling to live in the body that you hate most. Being able to say you hate yourself almost forces you to have to separate your mind from your own body. My family is very athletic so they too also bring up calorie counting and the subject of needing to always lose weight or stay fit. These types of conversations in homes can cause our phenomenology to change of our body. But one thing I’d say is if you can’t love yourself right now, learn to take care of yourself and treat yourself as you treat others until you can. But seriously let’s be friends.
Hey it seems like we have basically the same experiences. Honestly if you told me when I was a senior in high school that I’d be alive and pursuing a profession that I love, I’d laugh in your face. I completely understand how family can just use you as a punching bag day in and out and how that changes how you view everything, especially yourself. I *still* struggle with hating myself and body because of the weight comments at every holiday or weekend family trip. And I am not here to give you solutions, I just want to let you know that, if you really put in the mental work, it gets so much better. Just taking a small steps over a few weeks even changes a lot. I am still in those same situations with little to no support from others so i became my own support. I learned how to feel neutral about myself and now starting to love being me and being able to breathe everyday. You can only blame yourself once, then you gotta move forward. Even if there are cinder blocks tied to your ankles. It does get better and for you I hope your journey takes you wonderful places.
“I wonder if there is anyone out there who feels the exact same way I do and has the same experiences as me.” It’s me, I’m the one who feels the same way and has had the same experiences. Growing up, my family had also been obsessed with weight. Even though I played sports and was active, my parents were still pestering me about reaching a “goal weight” and telling me that I could always be skinnier. I also get what you mean about your inner thoughts making it harder for you to make friends, I always feel like no one will like me because of the way I look. I’m really sorry you feel that way and I hope it gets better for both of us.
It’s sad how parents still treat you as a little kid even though you are grown up, but it is still their job to keep you happy and safe. Being able to go to clubs and make new friends definitely helps improve your life.