TW: Body Dysmorphia
I hate how much I hated myself. Like it sucks not wanting to be in pictures, not wearing a piece of clothing because it doesn’t flatter you, having to take breaks from social media because you are exhausted from comparing yourself to everyone else on the internet, I could honestly go on about the endless amounts of things I skipped out on because of how I saw myself. In a world where straight, higher class men set the standards for literally everything and everyone, I fell into the trap where I thought I had to change my whole entire being. This is because our society has fantasized a certain look for a “woman.” small, tiny, dainty are just some of the nonstop chatter that would repeat in my head telling me that this is what I had to look like, and I didnt look like that. As a result of this, I started to under-eat and overwork my body. I had successfully fallen into the never ending vicious cycle. This was the start of how I changed my view on working out. I always went to the gym to be smaller. I wanted smaller calves, smaller arms, and a small waist. I wanted to feel “dainty.” When I say I used to overwork my body I was not kidding, like I went to the gym twice a day, everyday for hours. Because I was so scared of gaining weight I would not replenish my body at all, it honestly got very dangerous and out of hand for me.
However, I started going to the gym with friends, and they would say things like “yo look how big my muscles are getting” and they were excited. It genuinely confused me, why did they want to get bigger, but it was all because they had grown up with a different experience. They didn’t view the body as something that needed to look a certain way, but as something that needed to be taken care of. These types of relationships started helping me change my experience and view on my own body.
I started to see my perspective change and view my body in a different way depending on the environment that I was in. Being in the gym, a place where “you’re getting big” and “look at your gains” is the biggest compliment you can get that completely changed my ideology of my own body. I found myself yearning to get those kinds of compliments and over time I also found myself not wanting to be called dainty, but strong. I wanted to be strong and healthy. The gym changed my definition of “attractive,” it was no longer under-eating, basically depriving myself of my nutritional needs, but to fuel and nourish my body. To care after my body so that I could show up, be present, and take those pictures i had once shied away from
In conclusion, my phenomenology with my own body was destroying myself. I was not able to see myself worthy of nourishment and care, more as a machine that needed to constantly look perfect. I was so stuck in that mindset that I was destroying myself without even consciously trying to. Going to the gym and picking up the weights changed my perspective of my own body. My definition of myself changed when I changed to a different environment. Before going to the gym if someone had told me I looked big, I’d be devastated, but because of how the gym changed my mindset, i have been working on taking it as a compliment.
Unruly Bodies 
I really enjoyed your blog post. I too have been battling with Anorexia for a very long time. I still struggle with wanting to be skinny. In this blog post you did a good job comparing it to phenomenology, how your body looks, and what your body is in relation to size. You could also compare this post to how bodies react to labor. Working out is very labor intensive, and though it’s not a job it is hard work, and it changes the way your body looks. The one question I have is how did gaining muscle affect your mental health? Did your body dysmorphia go away, or did it just change priorities?
Thank you for sharing something so personal about your experience and relationship with your body. It must feel so fulfilling to go to the gym, work and replenish your body, and see the results that you worked so hard for and that you are proud of! I think we are way too harsh with ourselves, especially when it comes to how we view our own appearance, but that’s because of the media and how society instills such unrealistic expectations. I think the phenomenology of our relationship with appearance and bodies is such a complex one, in a way that is cruel and beautiful. Our bodies are something so sacred and special that they must be taken care of and it’s amazing that you realized that and are showing up for yourself. Keep it up your progress and always remember to be patient with yourself 🙂
Living with different experiences definitely shows our lifestyles and how different it is to others. I started going to the gym to improve myself and it definitely changed my lifestyle in terms of eating and changing my schedule. Definitely do not overwork yourself and don’t be sad on the way you look!
Hello!
As someone who VERY much relates to the first paragraph, this post really caught my eye. It was a really interesting read. Reading it made me genuinely happy, as someone who still struggles with their body image. Seeing your perspective change was really interesting too, as someone who hasn’t really gone to the gym (yet). I know these posts and comments are anonymous, but seeing your change in perspective is truly something I’m happy and proud of you for!
I feel as though the standards for women are in all sorts of ways creepy, small, dainty, thin, and hairless. These are not physical aspects of a woman but of a girl. Women have curves (no matter big or small), and hair and they can be tall or short, muscular, big, or small, and are still beautiful even if they don’t meet the standard. I am so happy that you are working on yourself and proud that you have overcome such experiences, no matter how you look you are a beautiful, strong, and worthy woman. Thank you for sharing.