Thump, thump, thump. What a beautiful sound. The sound of a little girl tucked safe and sound within my womb. The sound of love that has come out of tragedy. Just hearing that sound of potential life was enough to bring a smile to my face. But that smile only lasted for so long… I heard my OBGYN give a small gasp. That gasp changed my entire life, turning my tears of joy into tears of pain and loss. At that moment, I had to make a choice, a choice between my life, and hers. My soul once again was ripped out of my body, just like the night of her conception.
That night my entire life turned upside down. My words ripped from my mouth, my body taken away from me. He walked away scotch free, but I didn’t. I was left with a consequence. A big decision that I had to make, just like my mother before me, and thousands of women before her. The decision of raising this baby. The constant back and forth through my brain, do I keep her, is it safe, will I be ok, is this too much?
She was my little secret. I walked around for weeks with this little secret. Weeks of morning sickness, hormones, and cravings. But it wasn’t all bad, the thought of bringing this new life into this world gave me hope. imagining how I could protect her so the generational trauma of sexual assault won’t touch her beautiful body. But unfortunately, I had to make the awful decision of having an abortion. There is this horrible rumor that has spread around America, the rumor that women go around and have abortions for fun, and that they were murdering a fully grown baby. This rumor is dangerous and it kills pregnant people.
The downfall of female health issues, especially when it comes to birth all started when men took over from midwives. In the mid-19th century, bringing science into birth created a hierarchy, where the person at birth wasn’t in charge. Before that, women had complete control, and their midwives guided them through the miracle of birth. This overpowering caused women to be controlled. Birth control, abortions, and medical rights are all controlled by men who have never even had a period. The right to an abortion in America was granted in the 1960s, but with the recent overturn of Roe v. Wade, women don’t have that choice anymore. Their choice was ripped away from their hands. They have to choose between a back alley and raising their rapist’s baby, a coat hanger, and death.
Unruly Bodies 
I agree with this. With the recent overturn, society has definitely changed where everything has to be done in secret and not being able to let people know you are pregnant “in order to keep the tracks hidden and not go to jail for abortion”.
I feel for you. What you went through is genuinely traumatic and devasting. You are so strong. I agree with you in America people do not understand the reason for abortions and why they happen. People don’t have abortions for “fun” or as a form of “birth control” which is oddly absurd. People have abortions for actual legitimate reasons like it being life-threatening to them. But atlas roe v wade was overturned liked you said and now many states have banned abortions, all because of rumors and people not wanting to believe science and facts. It makes me so mad that women have restrictions on their bodies, but men do not. How is that fair? It’s not. This overturn is setting America back and making me ashamed of the country I live in.
So many of the arguments for overturning Row vs Wade are ridiculous. One that I recently heard was that we would have a population crisis if abortions were allowed so we must ban abortions. No one wants to have kids now because the economic state of America doesn’t allow a huge portion of the population to sustain themselves with a job, much less raise a family. And making something illegal wont prevent it from happening; have we learned nothing from the Prohibition era?
Thank you for sharing your very personal lived experience as a way to give an in depth first-hand account of how many things were happening for you simultaneously. As a reader, I was able to see how you demonstrated the usefulness of phenomenology to help me see what you saw, feel what you felt, and imagine how intense that moment in your life could have been. I liked the way you used your experience and tied it in to the policing and administrative violence against women’s reproductive rights in America. Great transition, Very spot on! It is my opinion that you were extremely brave and you are amazing because you stood tall and did your very best for that time in your life.
As a pre-nursing major with a love for the beauty in pregnancy and motherhood, I strongly feel for you. I am so sorry for what you went through. The overturn of Roe vs Wade was so emotional for me. I look forward to the day in my career field that I can do more to help struggling women. Until then, speaking up and spreading awareness is crucial. We can’t let the overturning be forgotten just because it isn’t circulating the media anymore.
I read your post and felt a deep wave of emotions from your writing. I’m sorry for your experience and I agree that this is a major issue in society.
I began to realize this weekend actually- banning abortion isn’t a protection of “life” but rather, a punishment to women for “sinning.”
It’s sad that something this impactful on a woman also can’t be shared as if a partner just broke up with us. You are left internalizing all of the emotions that come with an abortion.