If someone complimented me, they obviously didn’t mean it. It was a social experiment, a tease, some witty inside joke I wasn’t a part of. Especially if it was a male, they wanted to express their male dominance because they’re insecure about their masculinity. I’m a ‘mere object’. They wanted something from me. They have an ulterior motive, with a million strings attached. These are some of the subconscious thoughts that run through my head when I am complimented for something. The sheer audacity of feeling good from someone’s compliment felt narcissistic. I’d honestly rather be criticized. I had to humble myself.
In Citizen by Claudia Ranken, she writes about how “the physical carriage hauls more than its weight”, in other words how our bodies hold more weight than what is shown on the scale. The weight means trauma and experiences we gained through being a conscious, breathing being. Growing up, I was always taught that if anyone had done a nice favor for me or complimented me, they wanted something. I kept this ideology in the back of my head, like a sticky note I would reference each time I interacted with someone. Over time, I amassed a couple hundred of these notes which eventually turned into a know-it-all heavy weight I lugged around when navigating the real world. “Cute outfit!” a stranger said. “Nice try.” I would think to myself. “You’re not getting into my head that easily.” “You’re so pretty!” Another would exclaim. “Lies.” I thought again. I knew how pathetic I was. I wasn’t conventionally attractive. The phenomenon of having this toxic belief ingrained in my brain destroyed every ounce of self-confidence and feelings of worthiness I had throughout my childhood. It was hard for me to sustain relationships with my friends without these thoughts creeping into my mind because why would they want to waste their time with someone like me? Did they want something? Are they playing the long game?
Eighteen years later, I still have an internal debate whenever I receive a compliment or even a simple praise. The guidebook is etched deep within my brain, so it’ll take quite some time to reverse its effects, but I’ve learned to accept these thoughts and let them free. My friends are friends with me because they value who I am and appreciate my presence, not because they have a secret agenda (unless they do…just kidding). People give and receive compliments because they genuinely had a reason to. So, when someone compliments you on your drip, take it with pride! Make an effort to throw one back. Spread the love!
Kat: Thank You
Regina: So you agree? You think you’re really pretty?
Unruly Bodies 
Outstanding share! I completely understand what it feels like to have lowered self esteem. We do often try to protect ourselves by reminding ourselves not to be flattered when we recieve compliments from people.You make another very good point about learning to accept positive compliments and also the importance of giving them out. Our selfperception is often a directly affected by the way the world around us response or relates to our existence within it and it sometimes leaves us feeling alienated. I like that you invited us readers into your mental sphere. That was my favorite part. Feeling the doubt that existed in the selftalk. Thank you for sharing.
I feel the same way. Dispite getting out of Baltimore, surviving and going to college and succeeding, working for the biggest bank in the United States as a software engineer fellow, and even reapplying to the university that I got denied from in high school and getting in, I still feel this way. I still feel that I could be doing more. It’s definitely a internal battle.
Honestly I feel you. Every time someone compliments me, I always think they’re just being ‘nice’ and they don’t mean it. I always have internal thoughts fighting in my mind about either they are actually complimenting me or just saying that to make me feel better. So even though I say ‘thank you’ to other people’s compliments at the same time I’m also asking myself ‘do they really mean it or are they just saying things?’ But now every time my friends compliments me I would be gladly taking it because I careless about others’ opinions on me.
I was recently reflecting on some things you mentioned in your blog. I realized I find it hard to make friends or remain friends with people because I always eventually feel like they don’t really like me. I feel like I’m just “dealt with” out of pity. It makes me crave “genuine friendship”, although I know deep down people may very well see me as a friend and it’s all in my traumatized head.
Thank you for opening up about your struggles with receiving compliments. It’s disheartening to hear how past experiences have led to a belief that positive remarks come with hidden motives. Your reflection on dismissing compliments and questioning sincerity highlights the impact on your self-esteem.
Claudia Ranken’s insight about the “weight” our bodies carry adds depth to your narrative, showing the toll these beliefs have taken on your confidence. Your acknowledgment of this toxic mindset and your journey towards self-acceptance is commendable.
Realizing that true friendships are built on genuine appreciation is a powerful step. Embracing compliments and recognizing sincerity is key to rebuilding confidence. Your courage in sharing your story is inspiring, and I encourage you to continue embracing the positivity that comes your way. You deserve the love and recognition you receive.