Someone hand over the scissors, I’m ending this bloodline. Growing up, I was heavily fed into the idea of pursuing higher education and then settling down with children. Now that I’m more mature and have a better understanding of the reality of having children, I’ve changed my mind. After watching the documentary “Aftershock”, learning about the medicalization of pregnancy, and reading about the overturning of Roe v Wade, my stance on being childfree has been further solidified.

When debating this topic among friends and the most common response I received was “you worry too much”, there’s only a 0.00001% of xyz occurring, it’s incredibly frustrating to hear. There’s a myriad of outcomes that you must accept when deciding to pursue pregnancy and you cannot wish on a star and hope your child comes out “healthy”, it’s unrealistic. I for one know that if something goes astray, I will not be mentally stable enough to process the trauma and carry on with my life. Also, the fact that they neglect the “ugly” side of pregnancy shows me that they are also unprepared and blatantly ignorant. What if your infant ends up in the NICU? What if you have a stillbirth or miscarriage? What if your child is disabled? What if your spouse dies whilst giving birth? You must be prepared to accept reality and certain outcomes might even require a complete lifestyle change; will you still accept the risk? Besides, even after pregnancy, there are still many obstacles to work through. PTSD is incredibly common, there are disgustingly expensive hospital bills to pay, you may find out that your doctor gave you the “husband stitch”, you have to raise the child, etc. Even when raising the child, you must accept that there are things out of your control, and you must be physically and emotionally available 24/7.

These are just a few of my concerns when this topic is brought up. I know I’m too young to be thinking about settling and raising a family, but I do know that I’m not ready to give up my freedom. I’d rather regret not having children than regret having children.

I hate being perceived. I hate the fact that people see me and judge me. I hate taking up space. Sometimes it’s so exhausting to exist. Being so self-aware has consumed any ounce of confidence I previously held, to the point where I become embarrassed performing basic human tasks. For example, today I opted to wear my teddy bear jacket instead of my regular, worn black jacket since it was cozier and would keep me toasty outside. Once I stepped outside, I instantly felt a tidal wave of regret. Why? I felt this way because the jacket was puffier than my normal one, making me take up more space than usual and the tan color made me feel like a spotlight was shining on me. I felt ashamed for wearing a jacket, doesn’t that sound ridiculous? What’s even more ridiculous is that I subconsciously counterattack this “taking up of space” by keeping my head down, so I wouldn’t be seen. Truthfully, this has been a dilemma all my life. If I couldn’t get a second glance at my makeup or if I experimented with a new look, I would keep my head down.  If I didn’t wear makeup, I would keep my head down. If my bangs didn’t curl the right way or the wind had disorganized the precise placement of each strand, I would keep my head down. If I had to carry my Hissho’s and a cup of soda back to the dorm, I would keep my head down.

Oh gosh, am I afraid of being human?

It doesn’t help that society actively reinforces these notions that women have to remain small, verbally, socially, and physically. I remember watching a video about how to act like a “proper lady” when I was little. The video taught me that proper ladies never man-spread, they dressed in “tasteful” colors aka black, white, or grey, and spoke softly, however when these “rules” are dissected, aren’t they just oppressive limitations placed on women to make us “smaller” disguised as mannerism?

Additional thoughts:

What’s ironic about my self-consciousness is that whenever I find myself shopping, I always lurch for the hidden gems, aka the unusual finds of the store. A sweater with a goose saying “wow”, cha-ching! Brightly patterned overalls, cha-ching! Old patchwork grandma cardigans? SAY LESS. So why do I bother purchasing these unique articles of clothing if I’m not going to wear them? It’s because of the “waiting room”. I tell myself that once I reach a certain age or accomplish a certain task, I’ll have enough confidence to wear them out. The only issue with this thinking method is that I know I’ll never do it. I know that once I reach that goal, I’ll just make more excuses and create this never-ending loop of chaos. So, how do I combat this eternal loop? I just wear it. I accept the feelings of fear and regret. I remind myself that I cannot control how others feel, act, or think. Even though my head is slightly lowered, I still wore it out, which is progress so hurray for the tiny steps. 