I have been trying to get an autism diagnosis for 21-years. Well, not quite the entire time. I didn’t even know what autism was when I was going to see an autism specialist. I was 8-years old and I thought I was just going to see a nice lady who let me play with puzzles and asked me about school and my friends. Of course I knew I was seeing a doctor, but I didn’t understand what it meant at the time. When my parents were considering getting me diagnosed they told me I would have to take a bunch of long tests and talk to strangers, something I am definitely not into. Also I excelled in school and was able to keep one or two friendships. I think the biggest issue was the money, was it really worth it to pay thousands of dollars to get a piece of paper saying I was autistic? Outwardly, I was doing pretty well and I think most people though I was just an awkward kid.

I kind of forgot about this whole experience for a while, until the pandemic. Being at home all the time without having to interact much with people face to face really made my coping mechanisms fall apart. I didn’t have to put on a face everyday or pretend to know what people meant. I didn’t even realize I was doing it until I was alone and didn’t have to. Then I remembered going to a doctor as a kid and realized that this isn’t really something you just grow out of, you just get better at pretending. So that’s what sparked my desire to get diagnosed. But I realized that this came with a lot of problems.

Firstly, all of the criteria is based off of male behavior. I know I will have difficulty finding someone who understands autistic women and would be able to diagnose me. Secondly, I am on my parents insurance which greatly limits the doctors I can see. The combination of these two factors is what makes it virtually impossible to find a doctor that would be able to help me. When I was younger, the doctor already knew, but it wasn’t official until we went through the whole process. This really stood out to me when we were discussing in class how hard it can be to prove you are disabled in order to get the accommodations and the importance placed on getting a doctors opinion. We also talked about how everyone could benefit from things like a flexible attendance policy and a distraction free testing room. Also I did not know you could get an accommodation for not getting cold called in class, I would have loved that because being put on the spot makes me really anxious. Oh and even if you can get a diagnosis you still have to go through the process of registering it with the SDS (Student Disability Services). Even writing all of this is making me exhausted, and I still haven’t proven anything to anyone. I think that is the hardest part, that you have to prove to someone else that you’re disabled. This person may have never experienced what you’re going through, and only their opinion counts. As I have gotten older I have become more on the fence about getting a diagnosis, mostly because of all of the hurdles you have to jump through. Sometimes I think wouldn’t it be better if I just pushed it under the rug, like I did when I was in elementary school? But I also feel like a diagnosis would bring me a lot of peace of mind.