Honor thy mother and thy father. That’s how I think it goes anyways. Now I’m not religious, nor am I against anyone who is, but that line runs deep into society more than most people think. I grew up experiencing abuse from both of my parents. One more than the other, but abuse nonetheless. My mother, I have forgiven her for what she has put me through. She’s an addict, and has suffered her own plethora of abuse. She never intended on being neglectful. My father on the other hand, I don’t think I can ever forgive. He is abusive in all of the ways you could think of. Society puts on this pressure that no matter what, your parents are your family and above all created you, so you owe them forgiveness. I have heard many people tell me (religious and not) “well he’s your father”, as if that erases all that he has put me through, and like I owe him something. Although I am no longer in physical or social contact with him, his abuse still haunts me. I have PTSD and GAD that I live with, and it greatly affects my day to day life. I can’t go anywhere or do anything without the worry that I will break out into a debilitating panic attack that could last for hours. I rarely (if ever) feel “normal”. I feel like he has robbed me of my life sometimes, a happy one at least. So, to be told that I need to forgive him ignites a fire in my soul. I recently have cut off all communication with my whole paternal side of my family because I realized they all don’t care about how much of a truly terrible human being he is. I even confided in my aunt and others about his abuse when I was younger and got nothing in return. No one should ever feel like they need to forgive another just because they are family, or in general for that matter. Forgiveness does not always heal. With all of this I would like to say, honor thy mother and thy father as they honor you.
Unruly Bodies 
Hello,
I have no comments to be honest. Your story literally seems like a movie and you are the protagonist where he/she has to go through all this rough time in childhood and teenage that shapes the person to be a great person. Thankfully I have never experienced or seen it with my own eyes and at times thought that things like this only happened in movies but you completely changed my mind and I became speechless as I was reading.
Thanks for sharing our story and I hope you have a great day!
Thank you so much ❤
Hi, I am so sorry your childhood was so traumatic, and I can completely relate to your post. My parents were also neglectful, and my father was abusive towards me, he acts nice-ish to me now, but has never acknowledged his years of active abuse. I grew up religious and am no longer religious, but I used to associate the act of forgiveness as meaning that you are saying that what that person did was okay, and once forgiveness was granted, the relationship can continue on. I learned recently from my therapist how flawed that definition is, and how forgiveness does not have to be religious. She reframed the idea of forgiveness as not allowing yourself to put as much energy into hating or stressing about that person. She said that forgiveness, for lack of a better word, doesn’t mean that what that person did was okay, or that everything would be magically fixed. You can still end a relationship and you can “forgive” a person. I am pretty sure she replaced the word forgiveness with a different one, because I, like you, have had such a hard time separating it from its religious connotations, but reframing the idea as allowing yourself to no longer give a f*ck definitely helped me move on from some abusive situations. I am sorry for how long this response is, I just wanted to share what my therapist told me. People who have abused you don’t even deserve any of your energy (bad or good) to be put towards them, and don’t let them guilt you into thinking that. 🙂
Hello! I’m so sorry you can relate to my post.
My father still has not taken responsibility as well, it’s quite infuriating isn’t it? My therapist also told me something very similar and it really stuck with me. You aren’t obligated to give anyone any sort of energy. Thank you for your response 🙂 I wish you well!
Hello fellow parental issues person, although there is no Oppression Olympics sentiment right here – my mother was also abusive. Not in the same way yours was, but I can relate to the entire sentiment of “but they’re your [mother/father], you must forgive them” and how much rage that ignites in you. I’m glad you don’t have contact with your paternal side, because you don’t deserve to surround yourself with people who do not care/turn away from your statements. You should be taken seriously, and I hope you are now. I hope you’re surrounded by ones who love you, and you love them.
Hi! I am sorry to hear about your experience with abuse from your mother. I hope you are surrounded by love and positivity now as well ❤ thank you 🙂
I completely relate to your post. I feel that our society places an expectation on us to get over our familial abuse. No matter what they have done to us, they’re “still our family” but that does not mean they had the right to do anything harmful to us in our childhoods. It’s also horrible when family members you confide in do nothing to help after you come out about the abuse. I think we both went through the same thing in that aspect. I hope that you can overcome that pain.
Hi! Among so many other things, society has to place pressure on things as deep as this too, unfortunately. I hope you can/have overcome your pain, and wish you well 🙂 thank you for your comment
I think blood relations are overrated. I grew up hearing I should forgive my family for everything they did to me but it’s never that simple. I praise you for forgiving your mother, I still have trouble forgiving my family for numerous reasons. You don’t need to forgive your father but don’t hold resentment and anger in your heart. It hurts you more than it would him. I am sorry for the hardships you faced. I think you would really resonate with the song Matilda by harry styles, I’m not a huge fan of harry styles but I love the song for its message and maybe you will too. Family is who loves and cares for you, blood or not. You are not alone. You have millions of people to pick and choose from to think of your family. I hope one day you can lead a happy, fulfilling “normal” life.
Thank you for your comment, and the song recommendation ❤
@catmom20… Let me just say, same. Now, to a certain extent only because I dealt with my father differently. I have learned that in choosing to forgive his monstrous ways and accepting that he behaves the way he does simply because its his choice and freedom to do so was freeing to me. I then began to assess the way that he treated all of the people in his life. I realized that his problem is just that, HIS Problem. He mistreats everyone he comes in contact with including professionals and neighbors. He has chosen to live his life as a real ogre. This taught me that what I experienced was not a personal attact on me. Does it affect me still well into my adult years? Yes. Does it cause me personal pain? Oh, hell yes! Does it mean that I will have to work thrice as hard to build and nurture healthy relationships? Abso-damn-lutely! It also means that I can disconnect myself from the legacy of his toxicity. It means that I can embrace the scars remaining from that battle and use them as reminders that there is still work to be done in the lives of people are experiencing that same darkness right now. They are reaching out to us. They rely on our experience to help them cope, heal, and some of them need to escape. I forgive him because without that horrific lived experience, I would not be equipped to help free and promote healing for those walking that path in this moment. My mind, like yours, will never let me forget and trusting him would be a mistake but although it took some time I did learn to forgive him for living an existence that causes me and others so much pain and trauma. I treat him like a stranger on a New York train; with courtesy and extreme caution. I truly believe that your healing with start with forgiveness but you decide if and when you are ready for that journey. Now, although the holy book you quote does command that we honor our father and mother, the same holy book warns parents not to provoke their children to anger. With that said, “take your time and do what feels right in your own time” meanwhile.. I will be here manifesting healing vibes for you and for those living our nightmare today & crying out for help.
You don’t have to do anything. There isn’t a rulebook on how to heal and I don’t know why the one written by society includes “forgiveness”. There isn’t a one size fits all way to deal with trauma. So if you don’t want to forgive your father that is well within your right and everyone should support you on that. Society has romanticized healing into this thing where you have to be all soft and embracing towards the world that did you wrong. When in reality healing can be a very ugly and hard journey. Deal with things in the ways that help you best. Figure out what aids you in taking steps forward. Recognize what makes me to take steps back, so you can further avoid. And most importantly love yourself 🙂