Author: catmom20

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A Note to My Partner

“When I met you (thanks Tinder), I had no idea you would become so important to me. You have taught me so many things, and helped me grow immensely in the short amount of time I have known you. And I foresee much more growth to come. Not just with myself, but with us. 

I am so excited and fortunate to have you in my life, and to have the opportunity to get to know all of you. It’s easy to see your wit, and kind heart. Do I even have to mention how physically attractive you are? Ugh, and you have the sweetest and most pure soul. You have shocked my unfamiliar system with your support and care, and especially with your patience. All of those amazing things, and yet there is still more to discover. More characteristics and quirks; little details that make you uniquely who you are. I am so lucky.

You have made me feel more loved in six months than I have felt in years. I am so grateful for you, and everything that you are and do. I can only hope that I make you feel as amazing as you are.”

This note was written over a year ago. My partner and I are about to celebrate our two year anniversary in a few months. I thought posting this note and commentary was fitting for my last blog, as I would not be where I am without all of the love and support he has given me. I have suffered with my mental health severely, especially since starting school this fall. He has continuously lifted me out of the darkness and cheered me on in my times of need (which has been often). I never knew something so pure and extraordinary would come out of a dating app like Tinder.

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Being Bisexual

I don’t feel like I am a part of the LGBTQ+ community, even though the “B” stands for bisexual. I am a bisexual female in a very happy and healthy relationship with a cis male. I see posts everywhere that make me question whether I am bisexual or not just because I happen to be in a relationship with a man. It’s a complex feeling, because I am attracted to both men and women; but have only been in two relationships, both with men. I struggled for a while fully coming to terms with my sexuality and didn’t understand at first that the feelings I got towards some women had the ability to be more than platonic. I think some part of me felt shame. Not in the sense it was wrong to have romantic feelings towards women, but shame in the sense of having the fear of being fetishized. So while some people make me feel like an invalid part of the community, I contribute to making myself feel that way. I do understand that me being with a man means that I do not experience the struggles that those who have partners of the same sex sometimes do (homophobia, general hate, nasty looks). I’m not sure how I can go about feeling more included and accepted within a group I support with my whole heart, when I feel so fake. I hope that this post makes some bit of sense.

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Forgiveness Does Not Always Heal

Honor thy mother and thy father. That’s how I think it goes anyways. Now I’m not religious, nor am I against anyone who is, but that line runs deep into society more than most people think. I grew up experiencing abuse from both of my parents. One more than the other, but abuse nonetheless. My mother, I have forgiven her for what she has put me through. She’s an addict, and has suffered her own plethora of abuse. She never intended on being neglectful. My father on the other hand, I don’t think I can ever forgive. He is abusive in all of the ways you could think of. Society puts on this pressure that no matter what, your parents are your family and above all created you, so you owe them forgiveness. I have heard many people tell me (religious and not) “well he’s your father”, as if that erases all that he has put me through, and like I owe him something. Although I am no longer in physical or social contact with him, his abuse still haunts me. I have PTSD and GAD that I live with, and it greatly affects my day to day life. I can’t go anywhere or do anything without the worry that I will break out into a debilitating panic attack that could last for hours. I rarely (if ever) feel “normal”. I feel like he has robbed me of my life sometimes, a happy one at least. So, to be told that I need to forgive him ignites a fire in my soul. I recently have cut off all communication with my whole paternal side of my family because I realized they all don’t care about how much of a truly terrible human being he is. I even confided in my aunt and others about his abuse when I was younger and got nothing in return. No one should ever feel like they need to forgive another just because they are family, or in general for that matter. Forgiveness does not always heal. With all of this I would like to say, honor thy mother and thy father as they honor you.

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Can’t Show the Big O

Black and white photo of a woman with her hand up to her lips "shushing".

In the TV and film industry, there are various ways in which women are not seen or treated as equals. It can be as simple and commonly known as the lacking amount of pay a woman receives for a role, and as deep as it starting with the character in the script. Stereotypes and gender roles are everywhere, and are engrained in our minds by the media we consume. Take a moment to think about the long term amount of male dominant sexual themes in TV and film. It is seen as okay for a man to explore his sexual urges and fantasies. It is also okay to show a man pleasing himself and reaching climax, sometimes even showing the messy aftermath. But women? Forget about it. Unless satire, I don’t know of any movies where they are portraying a woman sensually. It wasn’t until recent years that I’ve seen female roles that get to indulge in their sexual desires. A few examples; “50 Shades of Grey” (although it portrays male dominance), and Netflix’s “365 Days” (also male dominated, and based on manipulation and abuse that turns into “love”, yikes). I believe the reason for this mostly ties back to stereotypes. Religion is also a factor at times, but that is a whole different side of the story for another day. A man and a woman can have the same “body count” and one would be a “god” while the other “used up” and dirty. Men that are sexual can be praised for it, while if women are sexual they are “slutty”. Unless women are being dirty on a man’s terms, of course. Then, it’s a hot, kinky medium and she’s a freak! I hope for a day where I can see more media where stereotypes are shattered. I understand that they will likely never be fully rid of, but I am looking forward to see the growth in each generation to come.