CW: Pregnancy anxiety (tokophobia), mention of sexual assault

I want to be a mother. Not right now — I’m 20, with a life full of complications and a brain that is not fully developed yet, so I think it’s best I wait a while — but someday. I have always pictured my future through the lens of motherhood: visions of waking up far too early to send the little ones off to school, coming home from work to hugs and toys scattered across the floor, shopping for last-minute school supplies and snacks that probably have too much sugar. 

But — I’ve never wanted to birth a child. I am not equipped for that sort of thing. My health has always been tumultuous, and the thought of growing a child inside the same body that can’t even make it through a blood draw without passing out — just no. I don’t want to share my body with something else; I don’t want the stress of worrying about every awkward movement and strange sensation; I don’t want any of it. And I don’t think I should have to. But no one seems to believe me when I tell them with certainty that I do not want to carry a child.

When I mention wanting my tubes tied, the response is usually one of two questions: “What if your future partner wants a biological child?” or “How can you be sure you won’t regret it?” For the former, that’s great, good for them. But my body is not theirs. There are ways to have a biological child that do not involve my uterus. And for the latter, my honest answer: I can’t be certain. But people do a lot of permanent things they can’t be sure they won’t regret. They have children. 

Even if I was absolutely sure, it’s not like it would matter. I’m 20. No doctor would let me anyway. Women who seek permanent contraceptive surgeries out of medical necessity are often questioned — and sometimes denied — by doctors, so being 20 and getting a tubal ligation is probably out of the question. 

It’s frustrating, feeling like my reproductive potential outweighs my bodily autonomy. I feel like my body is being patrolled. I’m being held hostage by a hypothetical human — not even a fetus, not even a fertilized egg, but the mere possibility of a future child. People will say “just use protection” or “just don’t have sex if you’re so worried,” but, unfortunately, that’s not a guaranteed solution. I know too many people who haven’t had the luxury of that choice. And even protection, birth control, and Plan B aren’t perfect solutions. (It’s worth mentioning that tubal ligation is not infallible, either, and it is not a substitute for condoms, which protect against STDs.)

I just want the choice. I want to decide what happens to my body. I am not a vessel for a future child; I am a person, and I should be treated as such.