Perhaps the greatest irony behind ADHD is that in order for the world to give accommodations to you, you have to pass through approximately ten billion hoops that you are just less capable of passing through. I have major issues with executive function, and it is precisely these skills which I need in order to get accommodations.

You can’t just request accommodations or medication on demand. There is massive fear that someone “unworthy” might get extra time on a test or more flexible deadlines. With medicine its more understandable perhaps as amphetamines are pretty serious drugs, but the process still fucking sucks even when you consider all that.

Currently I’m on Medicaid and am served by Kaiser for most of my medical stuff. That was a pain in the ass as it forced me off a lot of my old doctors, but there was in theory a benefit to this. All my care was supposedly centralized in one place. In reality, for whatever reason, psychiatry is different because Medicaid rules apparently so now I have to get care outside of it, and have to look and find a new psychiatrist who accepts Medicaid.

I can’t just present my old diagnosis once I get to a psychiatrist because quite frankly my record keeping is kinda crap (my bad, but like this is due to my ADHD). For some reason, I have to know everything and there is no govt centralized record keeping. I don’t remember my old psychiatrists office so like I’m screwed. This adds to more delays as I would have to get tested.

Even once I would get a new diagnosis, I wouldn’t even likely get meds which I know would improve my functionality. I might be able to get accommodations for school at least, but that adds another point of friction, the School. Its yet another bureaucracy that I have to navigate. And of course, when I leave school, I will have a new point of friction, i.e Work. Especially earlier on, I am terrified of asking for accommodations because its much easier to get retaliated against in a workplace.

Each new point of friction adds more and more difficulty. I have trouble managing my appointments, dates, homework, projects, life, friends and all this just adds up more and more. With so many points of friction, its almost like you have to be well organized. There is much bureaucracy, so many appointments you have to make on time, so much you have to get right.

Is it a wonder that I give up before I even try. I can tread water as I am. I don’t want to exhaust myself and drown.