Author: llamasarefloofy

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Pop Quiz

Warning: Some disturbing and weird and sexist stuff follows.

The COGIATI is a online test designed to test whether you are trans (or in its terminology “Transsexual”, as it was created in the late 90s) or not. It was designed with the idea that we shouldn’t “just” trust whether people are trans, instead we need to scientifically test whether or not this is the case. It is meant to be a “preliminary” test, not truly scientific, but something to be built upon.

The test is absolutely terrible. There is no scientific validity, and it merely tests adherence to stereotypical gender norms, while also failing to account for neurodiversity. It is written only for typical binary trans femmes and even there it fails.

I first took it when I was 10. I probably took it over a hundred times, possibly over two hundred times. Lets take a look at it now.

The first question is of course absolutely horrid. I am woman who is great at math, and supposedly this makes me less of a woman. This is not the only sexist question of course, if you are good at driving, the test will asssume you are more masculine. If you can catch a ball, you are more masculine. If you cry at movies, you are more feminine. If you liked writing essays as a kid, obviously you are more feminine

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Ain’t it ironic

Perhaps the greatest irony behind ADHD is that in order for the world to give accommodations to you, you have to pass through approximately ten billion hoops that you are just less capable of passing through. I have major issues with executive function, and it is precisely these skills which I need in order to get accommodations.

You can’t just request accommodations or medication on demand. There is massive fear that someone “unworthy” might get extra time on a test or more flexible deadlines. With medicine its more understandable perhaps as amphetamines are pretty serious drugs, but the process still fucking sucks even when you consider all that.

Currently I’m on Medicaid and am served by Kaiser for most of my medical stuff. That was a pain in the ass as it forced me off a lot of my old doctors, but there was in theory a benefit to this. All my care was supposedly centralized in one place. In reality, for whatever reason, psychiatry is different because Medicaid rules apparently so now I have to get care outside of it, and have to look and find a new psychiatrist who accepts Medicaid.

I can’t just present my old diagnosis once I get to a psychiatrist because quite frankly my record keeping is kinda crap (my bad, but like this is due to my ADHD). For some reason, I have to know everything and there is no govt centralized record keeping. I don’t remember my old psychiatrists office so like I’m screwed. This adds to more delays as I would have to get tested.

Even once I would get a new diagnosis, I wouldn’t even likely get meds which I know would improve my functionality. I might be able to get accommodations for school at least, but that adds another point of friction, the School. Its yet another bureaucracy that I have to navigate. And of course, when I leave school, I will have a new point of friction, i.e Work. Especially earlier on, I am terrified of asking for accommodations because its much easier to get retaliated against in a workplace.

Each new point of friction adds more and more difficulty. I have trouble managing my appointments, dates, homework, projects, life, friends and all this just adds up more and more. With so many points of friction, its almost like you have to be well organized. There is much bureaucracy, so many appointments you have to make on time, so much you have to get right.

Is it a wonder that I give up before I even try. I can tread water as I am. I don’t want to exhaust myself and drown.

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That Day in July

(content warning: sexual assault)

I still remember that day in July. It was at a weird time in my life. I had been back on hormones for a few months now, after having been off for way too long due to a bad combo of adhd and anxiety making my life much harder than it needed to be. Similarly I had been working for the past few months in a grocery store. It was a frustrating job but at the very least it paid me.

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A Day in the life of my Medication
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A Day in the life of my Medication

Everyday I take wixela, my control inhaler: once in the morning and once at night. I normally would take symbicort, which I prefer, but insurance is a pain in the ass and even though symbicort works better for me, my opinions don’t matter.  It controls it well enough for them.

It helps prevent me from having an asthma attack.  Unfortunately, I still get an asthma attack one to two times a week, more if I am unlucky.  It’s better than two to three attacks a day I have without it, but it’s no symbicort .  I prefer symbicort’s practical elimination of regular asthma attacks, though it still can’t prevent me from getting an asthma attack should I get a bad enough asthma trigger.

For when I do get an asthma attack, my inhaler aka albuterol helps me get back to normal.  It’s hard to convey how much it sucks not being able to properly breathe.  Breathing is not something you should need to think about.  

Next up, perhaps my most versatile meds are my estradiol and spironolactone.  These help correct the accident of my birth, that I unfortunately was born with a “male” body and I require some help to fix it.  Luckily by decreasing my testosterone and increasing my estrogen I can fix that.

Every cell has both estrogen receptors and testosterone receptors.  Should you just change your primary sex hormone, you will change the way it expresses.  Doing this essentially kickstarts a second puberty, where your body physically changes in response to this..  Often surgery to change one’s genitalia is colloquially called a sex change, yet I feel that name is better reserved for hrt as it literally changes one’s sex down to the cellular level.

If that was just it, that would be more than enough.  But it’s the mental effects of HRT that really hammer home how powerful hormones are.  Off my hormones and on testosterone, I am an anxious wreck who can barely get up every day.  I feel disconnected from my body and reality doesn’t feel real.

Estrogen completely changes the equation.  My anxiety, depression and disconnection melt away.  I feel like an actual human being and it’s wonderful.

Less powerful, yet still important is Caffeine.  I, like many other Americans, am addicted to it, and thus I drink anywhere from four to six cups of tea a day.  I adore the taste and how it helps me focus.  Brewed properly, tea is a perfect little pick me up.

Often I take some otc medication to help deal with allergies, generally some lortadine.  I prefer having a nose which doesn’t make me feel miserable and unfortunately pollen makes me feel miserable.

Semi-legally, I have on occasion ate an edible or used a vape pen.  I don’t smoke weed though as it triggers my asthma.  Life is stressful, especially when I am taking twenty credits this semester, and sometimes I need to destress.

Rarely do I drink.  I drink a little socially but I don’t like the feeling of being drunk.  Mildly buzzed is the most I enjoy.

I hope to never need my epi pen.  It’s my defense in case I go into anaphylactic shock due to my allergies, and I hope to never know what that feels like.  A phenomenological article from the pov of someone going into anaphylactic shock might sound interesting, but I hope to never be able to write it.