Growing up, I was made to feel like my body was not good enough. Not beautiful enough. Not healthy enough. Not loveable enough. Whether it was through unrealistic beauty standards, constant nagging of needing to cover up my own body because it serves as a “distraction”, or through daily comparison of my body with other people’s. I felt as though I needed to constantly be self-critical of my body, in order to be better and healthier. However, this did the complete opposite. When I looked in the mirror, I felt angry and disappointed with myself because I did not look a certain way. I realize that I was so focused on my outer beauty, that I never showed what I had to offer from the inside.
I think my views on beauty shifted when I was a young teenager and stumbled across beauty tutorials and lifestyle content creators on YouTube. Whether it was the makeup tutorials or quick DIY videos for back-to-school season, it gave me a reason to do things for myself. Not for others. Learning how to do makeup in the ways that I like it and learning what style I like to dress up in was fun. It gave me something to do and it taught me how to accentuate my natural features.
When I look at old photos of myself from when I was growing up, I wish I could just give her the biggest hug. Tell her that she does not need to worry about her body so much. That she is so loved, despite the things she was put through. I wish I can tell her that she is beautiful because she is silly, curious, adventurous, and kind- all things that made her beautiful. I can’t change the past though. I can only change what I can do, what I feel, and what I think at this very moment.
Some days are not easy, while other days are better. The journey of healing and self-love is not an easy path; more like the loopiest rollercoaster that you’ll ever go on with many ups and downs. I think on the days that are difficult, I take a moment to reflect on the little things that I should be grateful for that my body does for me every day. Or I just have a dance session in my bathroom with good music until I feel better, for days I do not want to think or reflect. Either works.
When I reflect on this class, I am really happy I took it because it taught me how embodiment is different for everyone and that is completely okay. This class highlighted how the world does not function and accommodate to all different types of embodiment and individual experience, but we can take matters into our own hands and build a world that is made for us. It is definitely not an easy task. I think the first step is recognition and acceptance of ourselves. Then, teaching it to others by having the necessary conversations and lessons. Everyone is worthy of self-love and acceptance, no matter their disability, illness, condition, past experience, or mistakes. I cannot change how society functions or the beauty standards/expectations imposed on me, but I do have control over how I think and feel, thus I am going to continue taking baby steps toward loving my body.
Unruly Bodies 
you are not alone! i often feel ashamed of my body especially after coming to college and have endless amounts of junk food available all over campus. I often think that I should be smaller or i should go to the gym more especially after watching 1000s of fit women and men on social media. It is hard to face body imperfections especially with so much stigma on the perfect body. I have learned to love my body more and more by just look at myself and seeing what parts of my body i like. I think everyone has something they like for me its my green eyes, or my long wavy hair.
I relate to your piece a lot and I’m sorry that you feel this way. It’s the worst feeling when you are hateful towards yourself it’s never ending and you literally feel like you can never get away from it. But I agree with your last paragraph when you talked about how this class has changed your perspective. This is the ONLY class that I have ever been to where our teacher told us that sometimes health is not everyone’s priority or to walk around and look for accommodations. Being in the health/science environment, there is the constant conversation about eating right, exercising regularly, and all of these standards that not everyone can reach. This has been heavy on my personal health because I struggle with eating and working out, but this class has taught the amount of myths and learning to love your body and not look at it as a machine. The amount of compassion that has been taught in this classroom has helped me work towards creating compassion for myself.
I loved reading your post! I relate to a lot of what you said and it actually made me feel really emotional. I’m really glad to see that you enjoyed how this class gave you a better perspective on things because I feel like it did the same for me as well. I’m also really happy to see that you’re on the journey to self-love and you’re making progress. It’s never easy and it’s a horribly long process, but the end product is always worth it. I wish you all the best in your journey!
Hello,
I had a similar experience when learning about and loving my own physical body. I had trouble looking at myself and was constantly comparing my body to others especially while I played sports during high school having a feeling that I was too fat and would never be able to compete with anyone in the soccer team physically. Thankfully I learnt that my physical body should not deserve such importance with negative thoughts and should care more about my mental state. I was actually looking at pictures during those years and like you mention I wish I could go back to tell myself to stop worrying about it.
Thank you for sharing your experience!