Labels, the reason I was closeted for so long was that I felt a tremendous pressure that I had to be either gay or straight because in-between was not a valid option. Honestly, I prefer the term unlabeled or queer as even the label of Bi feels too constraining to me because I either like someone or I don’t and I don’t feel like I need a title to describe that. I choose to use the label Bisexual purely for other people’s benefit because for some reason everyone needs to know if we find each other attractive or not. If I choose to tell people I am bisexual I do not mind as I chose to let them know that about me and I do fit the criteria for that label. However, when someone I don’t know well or do not wish to tell, asks me what my sexuality is, I feel uncomfortable. In all honesty, I have no idea if this is relatable to other people or if it’s just a complicated jumbled mess, but the last thing I want is to come across as hostile. I completely understand wanting to know someone else’s preferences, I am a nosy person as well, but I also want to be transparent in saying that I have had instances of being extremely uncomfortable when people I don’t know ask me those questions. I remember this one instance, I believe it was my first shift working with this one girl and we were just talking and getting to know each other a bit while we were in the back of the store working on decorations. This is burned into my memory because I remember the visceral reaction I had to her asking this question as it was so much worse than “what’s your sexuality?” This coworker looked me in the eyes and said “so are you…?” and proceeded to make the hand gesture. (if you know you know.) And you know when you are so uncomfortable that all you can think to do is give the person what they want, so I told her “no” (Lie) I don’t owe this girl an answer let alone a truthful one. So in summary I just want to say that let people tell you on their own terms what they are and never ask a stranger because 9 times out of 10 it makes them uncomfortable. Also that you don’t owe anyone an explanation of who you are and what you like.
Unruly Bodies 
I kind of touched on how labels shouldn’t really matter in my blog post. I agree with you that labels are what keep a lot of people in the closet longer because they do not want to be defined as just their sexuality. There is so much more to someone than that. The only time sexuality should matter is if someone is attracted to another and tries to ask them on a date but the person tells them sorry I am not interested in which then the person backs off and never mentions it again. I get being nosy though and wanting to know but there is a respectful way to ask if you just feel that strong if a need to know. Not like that girl asked you. The way she asked you was like a bad Tik Tok skit. I feel Like people see skits on Tik Tok and think that’s how people really act in real life and think it’s okay when it’s not. I mean talk about having a chronically online personality.
I very much relate to “I either like someone or I don’t and I don’t feel like I need a title to describe that.” although my reaction to someone asking about my sexuality is the exact opposite, I really enjoy the reactions I get when I shrug and say “I don’t know.”
Your experience with your coworker sounds pretty awful. I’ve never thought about it before now, but asking about someone’s sexuality seems very intrusive, it’s like asking “which people should I imagine you having sex with?” Which would be extremely off-putting. I’m sure most of the time people ask out of curiosity, but I really don’t like the implications of the question on a functional level. Is it a way of gaining permission to pursuing a sexual relationship with someone that you don’t think finds you sexually attractive? (otherwise couldn’t you just ask them if they’re attracted to you?)
I’m not going to say I hate labels because they are something that helps me navigate my own identity, but I will say that labels do put you in a box. Once you are in that box it is hard for you to get out of it and other people judge you based off of your labels. I dont think that labels are that bad but I do understand the level of frustration, because it does limit you but you can also own your labels and be proud of them becasue its who you are and if you choose to not use labels then that great too. I also feel like there are so many labels out there that being “stuck” as one thing or another isn’t really accurate becasue you can I guess use a condination of labels to accurately describe yourself and if you can’t find anything that fits you, technically you could make your own. So on this argument in 50/50.
I always thought labels were interesting to me. I liked them but didn’t at times. I liked being able to “pin point” my identity using already defined words but sometimes I didnt feel like I fit into it. I also never liked the word Lesbian. Even writing it I feel weird. It is so sexualized that It makes me feel weird about using it, so I have stuck to gay for many years. Recently the label Queer felt so much more comforting than gay or lesbian because I feel like I am able to venture out without breaking the walls of the old label.
Hello, thank you for sharing this. I was actually in the same exact situation as you with you a coworker. She had asked me “So are you…” but doing the hand gesture but just kept looking at me. It me feel a bit uncomfortable because I did not know her but I did end up telling the truth that I as gay. Sometimes when I go into a new setting, I try to make obvious that I am a gay man just have people avoid asking me.
I completely understand your thought process in this. I, for a time period, also struggled with defining my sexuality because I’m still young, I haven’t explored, so I really don’t know what it is I am. I’ve always went with straight because it was just the “default” assumed sexuality, but then it trailed off to bi and then queer and everytime the question would be brought up, I would feel uncomfortable reexplaining myself. Can’t I just like someone for the sake of liking them? Also, in the beginning of the year, I hung a pride flag in my dorm. When my flatmates did a room tour, they too did the hand gesture towards me and I just went along with it, but I eventually had to take it down because it would be a topic I had to explain and re-explain since my answer would vary from time to time. Labels can be great for some people, since it helps them establish their identity and a community in which they can associate themselves with, however its just not for me at this time.