Growing up I always understood that was, am, and will be privileged. My mom drilled into me all the wealth my family had, how hard she worked, how hard her parents worked. She never said it from a place of disdain for me, rather as a way to lift me up and humble me. My dad came from a religious background that taught him to be humble and to serve, and even though he took the chance and left his church when he was a young man, and even though he vocally disavows them teaching him to be meek, my dad still carries a piece of it with him. Before I understood how my dad felt about himself I acted like him, all I saw was that I felt safe and comfortable around him, and I liked that, still do. My brothers always made it clear to me that I was mom and dads favorite, they made it clear to me that this was unfair, and punish me for it when they could. Combine all this plus everything else I experienced and my role became clear.

You have everything you could ask for, and you don’t deserve it. You have everything you could ask for and you don’t deserve it, you have no reason to be sad, no reason to fail, no reason to not be humble. Everyone has worked so hard for you, you need to do everything you can to return the favor. As long as I’m kind, humble, hard working and succeeding I can be happy with me.

I have everything I could ask for, all I need to do was just keep my grades up, but at some point I couldn’t even do that. I have everything I could ask for, so clearly I’m the problem. I didn’t have to work a job, I never had to be hungry, mentally ill just meant crazy and I knew that wasn’t me. The truth became unshakable, it was just me.

This was all before Social Justice was anything more than a joke on the internet to me, but as I got older I stared to listen and tried to understand. Cis white men are the problem, that’s what I heard, this world was made for cis white men to succeed. This was an issue for me, despite my skin I’m as white as a sheet of paper, and I’ve never had doubt about my gender aligning with the middle finger between my legs. Somewhat selfishly, all I heard is that the whole world was made for me to succeed. This was only fuel to the fire for what I already believed, it was just me. While it looked like all of my friends were applying to Ivy League schools and crying over 80’s I was just trying to pass. I was and still somewhat am confused, defeated and angry. Therapy brought me to thinking it might be ADHD, it’s true that Adderall helps, but I’m still not where I “should” be. All this is to say: I’m getting really tired of abusing me. If I want to be happy I’ve got a lot on my plate, anger and punishment won’t fit.