I hate being perceived. I hate the fact that people see me and judge me. I hate taking up space. Sometimes it’s so exhausting to exist. Being so self-aware has consumed any ounce of confidence I previously held, to the point where I become embarrassed performing basic human tasks. For example, today I opted to wear my teddy bear jacket instead of my regular, worn black jacket since it was cozier and would keep me toasty outside. Once I stepped outside, I instantly felt a tidal wave of regret. Why? I felt this way because the jacket was puffier than my normal one, making me take up more space than usual and the tan color made me feel like a spotlight was shining on me. I felt ashamed for wearing a jacket, doesn’t that sound ridiculous? What’s even more ridiculous is that I subconsciously counterattack this “taking up of space” by keeping my head down, so I wouldn’t be seen. Truthfully, this has been a dilemma all my life. If I couldn’t get a second glance at my makeup or if I experimented with a new look, I would keep my head down. If I didn’t wear makeup, I would keep my head down. If my bangs didn’t curl the right way or the wind had disorganized the precise placement of each strand, I would keep my head down. If I had to carry my Hissho’s and a cup of soda back to the dorm, I would keep my head down.
Oh gosh, am I afraid of being human?
It doesn’t help that society actively reinforces these notions that women have to remain small, verbally, socially, and physically. I remember watching a video about how to act like a “proper lady” when I was little. The video taught me that proper ladies never man-spread, they dressed in “tasteful” colors aka black, white, or grey, and spoke softly, however when these “rules” are dissected, aren’t they just oppressive limitations placed on women to make us “smaller” disguised as mannerism?
Additional thoughts:
What’s ironic about my self-consciousness is that whenever I find myself shopping, I always lurch for the hidden gems, aka the unusual finds of the store. A sweater with a goose saying “wow”, cha-ching! Brightly patterned overalls, cha-ching! Old patchwork grandma cardigans? SAY LESS. So why do I bother purchasing these unique articles of clothing if I’m not going to wear them? It’s because of the “waiting room”. I tell myself that once I reach a certain age or accomplish a certain task, I’ll have enough confidence to wear them out. The only issue with this thinking method is that I know I’ll never do it. I know that once I reach that goal, I’ll just make more excuses and create this never-ending loop of chaos. So, how do I combat this eternal loop? I just wear it. I accept the feelings of fear and regret. I remind myself that I cannot control how others feel, act, or think. Even though my head is slightly lowered, I still wore it out, which is progress so hurray for the tiny steps.
Unruly Bodies 
I relate to this way more than I expected to from reading the title. until maybe a couple years ago I outright refused to wear anything that had any kind of text or imagery on them, I would bright saturated colors at all cost, rewear the same shirt 3 days in a row because the only clean on left had a little embroidered logo on it. And when I was wearing something that might draw attention, even if no one was around, I would sit hunched over to have less of it visible (anything to avoid eye contact). Still probably 90% of my whole wardrobe is greyscale and featureless (but that 10% slaps).
Really happy you’ve been making progress. It’s definitely not all the time, but when I forget to imagine how everyone judges and spites me the whole world becomes so much clearer and open. Best of luck!
I totally relate to this. It’s hard being one of 8 billion individual people! I also have the issue of leaning towards neutral clothes but I think that my individuality shows through in other ways. I guess what helped me with being perceived in public is to think back on how you perceive other strangers you come across. I’m definitely way more judgmental towards myself than towards others—it’s unlikely that they’re judging me.
oh wow this was perfectly said and I relate to it so much. As much as I love shopping, I feel a sense of dread after buying things that aren’t sweatshirts, sneakers, and sweatpants/leggings. If I buy colored leggings, I immediately regret the decision. You won’t catch me dead in them because I feel too “seen.” When I go out to the bar with my friends, they wear colors, cute outfits that accentuate their bodies, and seem so confident. Wearing jeans even freaks me out! Why? Why does a V-neck shirt terrify me? It’s the feeling of being seen. I stick to neutrals to “blend in” to my background. Even cars. Some cars look awesome in vibrant colors but even then, I’m terrified. Blend in at all times is what I force upon myself.
This is too real. I totally relate to the things you talked about in this. I think it can be manifested in different ways but that waiting room comment hits really close to home, i see it in the way where I constantly plan outfits out in my head and tell myself “yeah I’ll definitely wear this when I’m skinny.” Feeling perceived is scary, it sucks that we can’t just know what people are thinking because what if they’re commenting on my hair or my decision to wear my converse instead of my docs. Maybe it’s for the better because I think I’d be nauseous if I knew what people thought about me but not knowing also eats me up inside. It’s a daily struggle and is constantly pushed by how society constantly encourages us to critique our bodies and minds.