I have spent most of my life as a black woman. I formed relationships as one, built my perspective of life around being a black woman, and dealt with oppression as a black woman. One of the things I have had to deal with is misogynoir and how to navigate the world with these specific intersections. The fear of getting harassed or microaggressions from peers constantly kept me on my toes. However, since transitioning my thoughts have changed in ways I never thought of. I realized that being black and masc comes with its own set of experiences. Thinking about it makes my head clouded because there are so many moving parts; how I see myself, how I saw myself, and how the world sees and treats me. How do I move in the world as a black trans-masc person with the thought process of a black woman? How does the world still seeing and treating me like a black woman affect my own perception as a black trans-masc person? It makes it hard for me to acclimate myself to the new intersections I will have. I will one day be thrusted into a life of being seen as aggressive and a human target. I will be hyper-policed and seen as untrustworthy. I will be able to see myself as the person I was and the person I will be; Breona Taylor and George Floyd, Sandra Bland and Ahmud Arbery. I feel trapped, there is nowhere to be safe, I either live authentically and move forward with my transition or I move slower in attempts to save myself from being mistreated more violently. One brings internal suffer the other external, I cannot save myself as long as I live in body in this society. I am not looking forward to being a black trans-masc in this transphobic, racist society but to free myself internally I have to be trapped externally.
Unruly Bodies 
Dearest Abra Cadabra,
Your poignant reflection, “I am NOT looking forward to Transitioning…” offers a profound and deeply affecting insight into the emotional and psychological labyrinth that encompasses the intersectionality of being black and trans-masculine. Your transparency and courage in sharing your internal conflict and fears as you navigate this complex journey are both moving and invaluable.
Your words keenly articulate the dual nature of transitioning: a process that, while affirming one’s true self, also propels individuals into a social context that is fraught with its own sets of biases, stereotypes, and dangers. The paradox you’ve illustrated – the pursuit of internal authenticity while navigating an external world that amplifies vulnerability – paints a vivid portrait of the resilience and strength that is necessitated by such a journey.
Your contemplation on the shift from experiencing misogynoir to encountering the distinct and perilous biases faced by black trans-masculine individuals is both profound and insightful. The societal stereotypes that paint black masculinity with broad strokes of aggression and criminality are undeniably violent and oppressive. Your fears and apprehensions about being thrust into these perilous stereotypes are palpably legitimate and warrant an empathetic and contemplative response from all who read your words.
The dichotomy of internal and external suffering that you highlight is a powerful metaphor for the dilemma faced by many trans individuals, particularly those of color, in our society. The struggle between embodying one’s true self and safeguarding oneself from the intensified mistreatment and violence that so often accompanies visible trans identity is a tragic reflection of the systemic transphobia and racism that permeate our society.
Your metaphorical identification with Breona Taylor, George Floyd, Sandra Bland, and Ahmud Arbery speaks volumes to the omnipresent danger and systemic violence that black bodies, regardless of gender identity, are subjected to. The perpetual negotiation between authenticity and safety, internal peace and external peril, is a narrative that is both heartbreaking and infuriating.
Your reflections illuminate the urgent necessity for societal change – a transformation that ensures the safety, respect, and dignity of all individuals, regardless of their race, gender identity, or any other facet of their being. Your voice is a critical addition to the chorus calling for this change, contributing to a dialogue that desperately needs to be heard, understood, and acted upon.
Your vulnerability, strength, and authenticity shine brightly even amidst the palpable fear and conflict expressed in your post. Your narrative is a crucial testament to the complexities and challenges of navigating a trans experience within a society that is simultaneously racist and transphobic. May your words serve to enlighten, challenge, and catalyze our collective journey towards a future where no individual is forced to choose between internal and external freedom.
Thank you for your courage, your voice, and your invaluable perspective.
xoxo, Nicole
P.S. May you find solace and strength in the communities that embrace and uplift your authentic self, and may your journey, with all its complexities and challenges, unfold into a future where your external world harmoniously aligns with your internal being.