In the last few weeks of class, we talked about black bodies and trans bodies in sports and in general. Instantly my mind went to analyzing and drawing parallels from the past. I thought back to how black people were made to do entertainment and labor for the white masses with little regard for their own financial and physical well-being. I thought back to trans women who did the labor during Stone Wall and how they are still ostracized in the LGBT community.

Black and trans bodies will be seen as discardable despite all we do continuously for our communities and society as a whole. Our bodies are integral to keeping society running yet there are no thank-yous, kindness, or consideration when making a newer and supposedly “better” society. This echoes the history of America, using black bodies to progress in capitalism with no remorse for those that it hurts. Then when black people demand that we get our fair share we are met with violence and get called ridiculous. When will this stop? How long do black people have to get the short end of the stick and get robbed of our fair share?

Trans people are killed at alarming rates and nothing is happening. There is no justice even when we give so much of ourselves to the public. We put ourselves out there to normalize our existence through stories but still, we are called less than. This world does not allow trans joy. When trans people try to do things that would be called normal for any cis person we get called predators and freaks. It is not fair, plain and simple. Society as a whole hates that trans people are being normalized and the last bite of conservatism is fighting for dear life. I wish it would die quietly because I don’t know how much more I can take.

I don’t want to undermine the major improvements in life these communities were able to accomplish but I do wish things were going faster. All of this moving at a turtle’s pace is not enough for me. I want radical change in society, not centimeter towards centralism.

Being knowledgeable or intersectional or just having empathy is so hard when we live in a world that is constantly trying to take away these things. Anti-intellectualism is on the rise, intersectionality is looked down on, and caring about people other than you is a bizarre concept. I am tired and sad and frankly pissed off.

WHY… why can’t society just grow up and change?! I am begging, millions of us are begging, screaming, pleading that the people who have the power to change society move an inch- I’d even be happy with a centimeter. My brothers and sisters are dying every day, we are fighting every day and it seems like it is for nothing but entertainment for those who do not have to worry. For those who live a life of privilege and comfort. Their entertainment is seeing little black boys and little brown girls cry tears of blood and grief for their families who are dead- rather I say killed because that’s what it was.

I cry for the unborn children who were killed because they would have been born with impairments, this is eugenics. I cry for the neurodivergent kid who is having a meltdown as we speak and is being called hardheaded or bad when all they need is quiet or a weighted blanket. I cry for the wheelchair user who lives in fear of an intruder or a fire because they know that they might be left behind. After all, that is what people are taught. I cry until my body is dehydrated and I pass out, hoping to wake up and see that it was all a bad dream.

When I was young I knew the world was not a perfect place but I could have never thought I’d live in a dystopia only Steven King could imagine. Wu-Tang Clan once said CREAM, cash ruins everything around me, this could not be clearer to me than it is today. Imperialism has its claws on the neck of the Middle East and Africa, people are not even seen as people they are bodies of exploitation. Being used up until they drop only to be replaced by literal children. Tupac said THUGLIFE, the hate u give little infants fucks everybody, racism, ableism, and sanism is being embedded into kids’ minds. They see their parents and role models being attacked and we expect that harshness and resistance to not be ingrained in their head?

If things keep going the way they’re going I don’t know how much I can take, my heart can’t take it anymore. And if I have to think about who to vote for I’m going to scream.

Living under capitalism is ass, not just because of inflation or the 1% but because it makes life and people so unempathetic. Everything is based on how you can use your body for capital instead of compassion. There is no consideration for others because trying to get through the day in one piece takes up all your mental energy. There is no accessibility because in a capitalist society what is the need to help people with disabilities if they cannot work with maximum efficiency? Dehumanizing people according to their ability to work is disgusting and shameful, but I am not surprised when it happens. On the flip side, people are dehumanized because they are made to work efficiently like black people. No matter what side of physical capability you are on, you get dehumanized; when you are in the middle it only gets a little better. You are seen as human but not really, you are seen as a cog in a machine that will only help the wealthy elites. If everyone is not seen as people- and seen as worthy of human rights-, why would people stand up for others to fight against capitalism? Standing and fighting together is hard when you do not see other people as worthy allies. The normalization of people being treated as less than human perpetuates capitalism because you always think there is someone below you who will protect you from the mistreatment, but there is not.

I have spent most of my life as a black woman. I formed relationships as one, built my perspective of life around being a black woman, and dealt with oppression as a black woman. One of the things I have had to deal with is misogynoir and how to navigate the world with these specific intersections. The fear of getting harassed or microaggressions from peers constantly kept me on my toes. However, since transitioning my thoughts have changed in ways I never thought of. I realized that being black and masc comes with its own set of experiences. Thinking about it makes my head clouded because there are so many moving parts; how I see myself, how I saw myself, and how the world sees and treats me. How do I move in the world as a black trans-masc person with the thought process of a black woman? How does the world still seeing and treating me like a black woman affect my own perception as a black trans-masc person? It makes it hard for me to acclimate myself to the new intersections I will have. I will one day be thrusted into a life of being seen as aggressive and a human target. I will be hyper-policed and seen as untrustworthy. I will be able to see myself as the person I was and the person I will be; Breona Taylor and George Floyd, Sandra Bland and Ahmud Arbery. I feel trapped, there is nowhere to be safe, I either live authentically and move forward with my transition or I move slower in attempts to save myself from being mistreated more violently. One brings internal suffer the other external, I cannot save myself as long as I live in body in this society. I am not looking forward to being a black trans-masc in this transphobic, racist society but to free myself internally I have to be trapped externally.