Will Overman

It is indeed possible to feel secure with your own body and yet
have insecurities appear just as prominent. I feel that I have come to
recognize this sort of experience in the last couple of years.

For the longest time, I was raised under masculine gender norms and yet also fit many
stereotypically feminine traits. For example, for as many times as I am loud,
competitive, and quick to take charge in a situation, there are others where I
am quiet, vulnerable, and defer to others. In this way, I came to experience
and embody this peculiar paradox of social molding as well as the expectations
within my household. This, combined with my recent discoveries regarding my
gender identity, has fastened for me a sort of double life. And yet, I also
recognize that my body, as Foucault would put it, is “docile”. I have
been molded to be secure and fit within the norms that groups such as school
and family would put me in.

Some people experience this sort
of fitting and embrace it, allowing themselves to be molded into their roles by
the institutions nigh-effortlessly. Part of this could be seen as a phenomenon
of free will, in which one surrenders control upon realizing their mold and
embodiment are as powerful as they are. And indeed, this experience differs from
person to person.

In this regard, I would be lying
if I did not admit that there was some cognitive dissonance involved in the
embracing of my gender identity. In trying to openly express my femininity, I
fight every part that embodies the masculine mold. Sometimes, this manifests as
me crossing my legs and fighting every urge to manspread. Sometimes, it becomes
a longing for a different body type and a stinging jealousy in the back of my
mind. Why do I feel this despite confidently expressing myself in verbal and
social contexts? Perhaps it is simply how I embody the struggle between what
people expect me to be and what I want to be. Perhaps it is how my securities
and insecurities are embodied within my daily life now.