Many thoughts and questions go through my head with the world of ignorance we live in today. How do I keep going? Will I be successful? Will I be able to have the dream family, dream lifestyle, dream anything that I want? Sitting back and deeply thinking, you won’t know unless you do something for yourself and those protective around you. Being a young Afro-Latina in today’s society is hard, whether it’s in terms of pregnancy, civilization, or my own self-image. I come from a family line of women who dealt with traumatic pregnancy terms, or even reproductive issues in itself. A line of men who have suffered from cancers varying from lung to low blood cell count leading to other health issues. Thinking about starting my own family scares me. I always track back to the story my mom told me: the doctors didn’t catch my faint, irregular heartbeat at eight, almost nine months. The umbilical cord was wrapped around my neck. What if that were to be me in about 6-7 years with my first born and I’m not conscious of it? Or if I am ignorant and decide to not get check ups and discover something too late? I always tend to think the negative rather the positive, so clearly that’s a sign of something psychically that I need to work on.
Unruly Bodies 
Being worried about starting a family is completely valid. Especially because of the challenges your family has faced in the past. Regular check-ups with a doctor and seeking professional advice can help with some of your worries. The fact that you think about these things lowers the chance of something happening to you or your future children. It’s common to focus on the negative, but try to see the positive side of things. You have the power to shape your future.
My little brother also had the umbilical cord wrapped around his neck when my mom went into labor, and she had to go in for an emergency c-section. Military healthcare, especially at the time, was not great. Her doctor brought students/residents in without permission and before they closed her up, used her as a living teaching dummy, showing her intestines, her liver, spleen, and only closed her up when she started to fade. He sewed her improperly and had completely severed her abdominal muscles and to this day she has no feeling around her scar and no connection with her abdominal wall. The medical community has a long way to go to respect women’s bodies and take our safety and dignity seriously. I have thankfully seen how far we have come from that time and level of negligence, but I know there is so much more we can and should be doing to protect mothers. I’ve looked into a lot of different birthing research and opportunities for if I decide to have children (I very well may not), and love the idea of having a midwife or doula with me, even if I do a hospital birth, to help advocate for me and help me advocate for myself so that I can have the birth I want.
I also worry about the fear of not getting the same healthcare if I chose to start a family through biological means. Having to hold each doctor accountable for their poor judgements all while experiencing pregnancy. Not only that, but trying to raise a black child in a world that tells them they don’t matter. It’s enough to make anyone want to throw in the towel. I would love to give you words of encouragement about the future, but the realest thing I can tell you is that having a village will definitely make a difference. Lean on the people you love and trust.
It is understandable that you are worried of starting a family, especially because of the traumatic terms your family experienced in the past. The fact that you always imagine about the negative outcomes regarding pregnancy is not at all a bad thing. I see it as an act of preparation for when the time really comes. I also tend to think about the negatives more than the positive in life, which is common for people everywhere. In my case, I try to reflect on my negative thoughts and learn from it that everything will be okay.