When is it that we, as beings, become aware of our physical forms? When does that awareness give way to insecurity and how is insecurity operationalized to control every aspect of our lives?  

It seems as though, for as long as I can remember, my apperance was a defining factor in my life. It was the way others perceived my health, activity levels, “laziness,” essentially attempting to paint a full picture of my life, often without knowing me at all. Eventually, it became the way I valued myself, always hoping and striving to look different, to weigh less.  

As a member of the South Asian diaspora, it is culturally common to be blunt about one’s appearance. To comment on one’s weight and features as a “sign of care” and “worry”. Meaning that comments about my body were constantly fed to me. I was told consistently in parties, gatherings, pujas¹ how I should feel about it and what I needed to do to change it.  

Third grade was the first time I could recall feeling insecure about my body, a feeling that lasted well into my early college years, and even now hums faintly in the background crevices of my mind. It was at this age when unsolicited weight loss advice began. Despite understanding that I existed in a physical body, I was not truly aware of MY body until this point. It was others’ comments about my body, my weight, my skin that flipped this switch in my mind. It was in daily, never-ending comments from family members, members of the community, even strangers at my grandfather’s funeral that I learned my thoughts and my actions would always be secondary in value to my physical self, which they did not deem worthy.  

Weight and more specifically weight loss became a constant on mind. As I took my first breath each morning and as my eyes closed in the nights, it was my first and last thought. It became an obsession where my weight seemed to be the only thing holding me back from realizing my life’s full potential. I developed an unhealthy relationship with external validation which spilled over into the fundamentals of other aspects of my life, namely my academics. It was not until the period of Covid-19 isolation, that these thoughts slowed down. It was at this time that I no longer felt compelled to compare myself to others. I had learned to tune out the majority of comments from family as well, and I realized that there was and is much more to a life and to one’s value and worth as a person. Though, this will continue to be a struggle for me as I grow, I hope that my negative self-image will only further diminish with time. I strive to do better for future generations of my family and generally as a member of this vibrant and diverse world.