Ever since I was a child, becoming a doctor has always been my dream/goal. Watching my mother and grandmother struggle with health issues and chronic illness has been my motivation to be in the healthcare field and help people like them. I’ve always been one-track-minded when it comes to becoming a doctor. In high school, I even joined a program catered towards kids who wanted to pursue a career in healthcare and help prepare them for college and the courses they would be taking.
My family has always been proud of me and encouraged me to pursue my goals. They’ve always expected nothing less of perfection regarding my grades and overall performance in school. I want to become the first doctor in my family and they want that for me as well.
It wasn’t until last year when I became sick and this year when I had to care for my mother following brain surgery, that my grades dipped below that line of perfect and my performance in school was lacking. The whole time I couldn’t even focus on taking care of my health because I was so worried about how I was doing in school and what my family would think of me.
I didn’t start doubting my ability to achieve my goals of doing well in my undergraduate year and making it to medical school until this year. I’ve worked so hard and I know I shouldn’t be so hard on myself, but honestly, this doubt has in a way uprooted my self-worth.
I am slowly learning not to quantify my self-worth based on how well I am doing in school and how much that is pleasing other people, but at times it can be hard. It’s those moments while I’m on the phone with my grandparents and they mention how I’ll be able to help my grandmother with her knee when I become an orthopedic surgeon, or how successful I’ll be when I become a doctor and how proud of me they’ll be that I find myself fighting back wanting to tell them I’m struggling mentally I’m not sure if I even want to be a doctor anymore or if I’m worthy or becoming a doctor, or if I deserve to receive their praises or for them to be proud of me.
It wasn’t until these last two weeks that I had stress-induced muscle spasms and migraines that I finally decided I was going to ensure I put focus on my mental, physical, and emotional health. I cannot be consumed with what other people think of me, even if it is family members. I have to live my life for me.
Unruly Bodies 
I wish you all the best for you physical and mental health!! You’ve worked so hard and I’m so glad that you’ve realized that life isn’t just for making others proud but to also make yourself proud regardless of what others think. I was in a similar situation to you and I’ll be rooting for you!
i really hope you get to where you wanna be, taking the time to ensure your mental health is better is always so important and such a priority and im happy you are taking that step into that!
Your health should always come first. I understand it’s hard to remind yourself of that, especially when you face other pressures and responsibilities. I also relate to letting my academic performance define my self-worth, which can definitely take a toll on my well-being. I think overthinking too much leads to self-doubt, especially factoring in others’ expectations. It is important to remind yourself that whatever happens, you will end up exactly where you’re supposed to be. Thank you for sharing this and I hope you are able to take care of yourself mentally and physically.
Thank you for sharing!
It’s very admirable that you aspired to be a doctor and even started your journey at such a young age. Most children don’t have that kind of drive and determination. I’m sorry you had to watch loved ones suffer in sickness. I adore my grandparents and I know it is heartbreaking watching and not being able to help them. You let it inspire you to do something with what you witnessed and I think that takes courage.
Having a family who is 100% behind you is a wonderful blessing but it comes with a lot of pressure, especially when they know your aspirations. But what happens when you start to doubt yourself but you are afraid to tell them and let them down? The self doubt, I think, is normal as is the concern of family reaction. I hope you were able to express your concerns without judgement.
I hope that you are able to live and pursue your dreams. I’ve always told people that there is a difference between being selfish and doing things for your own sake. I think what you are doing is amazing! I’m sure your family really appreciates all your efforts and care, but it is hard to care for other people when you cannot take care of yourself. Take some time and really live for yourself so that you can then help other people wholefully.
Thank you for sharing. Honestly, I’ve struggled with that same thing. Caring so much about what my parents think and staying with my family has caused me to struggle and led to a lot of struggles with my mental and emotional health. And it sucks when you just want to say it but you can’t and the result is so many migraine headaches and lethargic hours wasted lying somewhere. I also need to learn how to live for me, and for that reason, I wish you luck and will say to take some time for you because you’re doing great.
I find this post to be super relatable. Especially the aspect where your identity to your family is tied to how you succeed in school. The pressure on you can be very real and it’s hard for people to understand that. I’m glad that you’ve chosen yourself, it’s all you can do. You’d be doing yourself a huge disservice to not live for yourself. Even though you seem to already know this, it’s important to remember that you are more than just your grades.
Really glad you’ve shared this story of self actualization. I’ve recently been puzzling over the disconnects forming between what my parents wanted for my future and how reaching that future is making me feel, and its encouraging to see that middle grounds can be negotiated with self reflection.