When I was in Year 8 (7th Grade in the US curriculum – it was a British curriculum), I experienced true loneliness. Let me give you some background info. I was in a quaint Christian Elementary and Middle School at that time and excited to be back after a looonnngg summer break. In 6th Grade, it was me and two other girls in the WHOLE grade, that’s why there was just one class with all of the sixth-graders. I don’t know what happened but we didn’t communicate that much during summer but I was excited to see them when I got back. We’ll be the trio all over again…It’ll be great!
They didn’t come back. Both of their parents decided for them to move schools for 7th grade and since we didn’t really talk that much or even see each other, I didn’t know that this change was coming. I walked into my first day of 7th Grade to realize…I’m the only girl in the class. My world came crashing and tears filled the brim of my eyes. I told my mom immediately of what happened when I got home and I insisted I change schools too, like the other girls did. She told me that it was too late to change schools and told me that I had my brother to lean on -since we were twins.
However, my brother, especially at that stage of our lives, didn’t want to hang out with me in school. It was 9 boys and 1 girl which made me feel small and even invisible at times. During the breaks, I got tired of being alone in some random classroom studying or reading my novel (we didn’t have phones then) so I decided I wanted to hang out with the boys. The boys would always play soccer during the breaks and I had previously played club soccer and I would say I was pretty good. I entered the soccer field excited to play with them, anything other than being alone.
They didn’t even let me play. Not even for a minute. As soon as I stepped on the pitch they all went quiet and looked at my brother. My brother yelled out from the other side of the field, “I don’t think you want to play with us.” I waited for an explanation and none came. I prompted “Why though?” He replied, “Well… you know… we play rough and we wouldn’t be able to play the same way we do if you join.” The boys nodded in agreement. That definitely covered his ass but it crushed me and left my self-esteem shattered. I can play “rough” but after that public humiliation, I never tried playing soccer again.
Unruly Bodies 
Although I have not experienced this same situation, I definitely resonate with you in having felt “small and even invisible at times.” During my middle school years, I dreaded gym class. They were always filled with boys who held the same sentiment as those that deterred you from playing soccer. They always excluded girls from playing and it perpetuated my belief that I was not fit to play any of the sports offered during class. What you spoke about reminds me of the ideas within “Beyond Physiology: Embodied Experience, Embodied Advantage, and the Inclusion of Transgender Athletes in Competitive Sport,” where gender can be a significant factor that influences what it means to play sports. People have their own beliefs about who ‘can’ and ‘should’ play a sport, which can be encouraged by society’s norms. For what it is worth, I bet you would have scored more goals than all of those boys if you played that day!
First of all, I am sorry this happened to you. This sounds like such a sexist and isolating experience, and it must have hurt even worse coming from your own twin brother. Your blog post reminded me of a similar experience from my middle school. I also was in a 7th grade class where boys outnumbered girls 3:1, and the self imposed gender segregation and sexism was a huge issue, especially in gym class. Since I have never been athletic or enjoyed sports I didn’t care at the time, but looking back it was definitely not fair.