I’ve always wanted to dance, even before I knew what dancing was. My family has told me that I was the kind of baby that could never sit still, I was always moving to something or another that was running through my head – finding some kind of rhythm in just about anything. The birds singing, the sounds of bustling streets below, the perfectly chaotic harmony of my mother and her mother in the kitchen. There wasn’t an end to what I could find a song in, and every tune deserved some kind of movement.
I was far from a shy kid, and I never got stage fright when I used to perform bharathanatyam (a classical dance used to tell religious stories through the combination of expression, melody, and rhythm). My dance teacher was far from sweet but she pushed me so much that I was dancing with girls twice my age before I was 7. What enamored me so much about bharathanatyam was the patterns found in the cycles of beats, so it made sense that my passion for the dance faded when my teacher moved away. I lost the sense of stability I found in dance class, and decided that I couldn’t continue learning under a different teacher.
Growing up made me too tired to pursue all the passions I have, from dancing to music to art. Moving became a chore, rather than something that was supposed to be freeing. When all I wanted to do was rest, there was still that voice in the back of my mind telling me that I’m just making excuses for myself and I need to push through and reconnect with the activities that gave my life meaning. I hope that as my semester ends and I can basically restart my routine I can factor in dancing to my life’s motions. I rejoined a bharathanatyam class a couple months ago but I haven’t had much luck finding transport to it during the school year, but winter break should free me up and I really hope that I can find my love for dancing again.
Unruly Bodies 
In awe at how deep and nostalgic your writing is very powerful. I understand you when you said growing up you were too tired to pursue all the passions you had. I also felt so so tired and overwhelmed by the world as a kid, I feel like I have more mental time now
The way you talk about your love or dance at such an early age reminds me of how truly free I used to feel when dancing. I like the way you put it every song deserves movement. But I relate even more to the final paragraph where your honesty about moving is depicted as a chore. Mental illness has been the biggest barrier in letting me feel anything that used to bring me immense joy, now I have to try and find that joy rather than it just existing. As an African, i used to learn so many types of dances so young and because I was a boy and my arent wasn’t going to put me in dance class i felt no pressure from adults that could potentially ruin the experience. It wasn’t until after that i felt that pressure, but before that I was the only one in charge of my experience. Yet now simply getting out of bed is a chore and dancing is almost like a gift my brain gives me every blue moon for not losing a grip on my emotions.
Really enjoyed reading this. This is very understandable and how I am, but with gymnastics. At a young age, I was flipping over everything and cartwheeling everywhere so my parents finally put me into gymnastics. At one point, gymnastics was my entire life. I was so passionate about the sport and as a little girl, I just knew that it would be my entire life and I would be doing big things in the sport when I got older. When I moved to a different state and joined a different gym under a new coach, much like in your case, I lost the passion for the sport. To be honest, it can actually be quite devastating to lose the passion for something you once loved.
Now that I’m older, I find myself missing the sport and wanting to pursue some form of it, possibly tumbling. Your post encouraged me to start looking into possibly taking classes again. I hope you can get back into dance and find your love for dancing again!
Thank you for sharing. Sadly, this hits close, knowing I quit everything I enjoy to chase my career. I hope you get to dance again, and I hope I get to draw again. I hope the world doesn’t tear us down and we get to do what we love again. Keep on keeping on, internet friend.
Thanks for sharing! I love your description of how you found music in everything as a kid. It makes me realize how every sound, every beat, every vibration has the ability to make us feel something. Music and movement can be such a powerful tool and I hope you are able to regain that passion.