It shouldn’t be, really, but it is. I’m reminded of it quite a bit recently. Being incapacitated is embarrassing. Having cooties is embarrassing. Getting cooties is embarrassing. Evidence you touched something unsanitary is embarrassing. Admitting to the urgent care doctor you don’t have a primary care physician is embarrassing. Staying home is embarrassing. Getting behind on obligations is embarrassing. What even is “embarrassing”?
Mono is embarrassing. “The kissing disease” makes it sound like something high schoolers get and have to break to their parents that they actually do have a boy they’ve been seeing (and kissing) or something little kids get from licking doorknobs. It feels a bit silly, but my roommate thought it was hilarious that I got mono. One of my good friends fell to the floor laughing, assuming I got it from my girlfriend (not any more likely than anywhere else given that she’s not sick). We’re really good at stigmatization. Mono is really one of the more minor instances of it, but that sort of makes it feel more silly and trivial to be embarrassed by, which is also embarrassing. I took a survey earlier today that asked if I had ever avoided getting STI testing or treatment due to shame or fear. Mono isn’t an STI, so it’s not a one-to-one comparison, but it did remind me this is something more widespread and not just a me-issue.
Hurting is embarrassing. Why does it feel shameful to hurt? I was taking the maximum dose of ibuprofen, probably more often than I should have, for a week, just to be able to sit in bed and sleep. Even with that, I couldn’t eat anything aside from applesauce and protein shakes, which still hurt. Gross, but, I think there was a point where I was spitting out my saliva into the sink because it hurt too much to swallow. That would have been fine without this overarching shame for being hindered by pain.
Fatigue is embarrassing. This one I handle on more of a regular basis, so it isn’t too revolutionary, but feeling like you just can’t make your body get up and do the things you need to do feels vulnerable and humiliating. I don’t like letting people do things for me, and it’s embarrassing to have to let people help with daily tasks. Why? It’s embarrassing to be incapable of daily labor in the home, at school, and at work. Not that I think it should be. But the intersection of illness, disability, and what we expect from laboring bodies disagree with one another, and the expectations placed on laboring bodies do not like to relent with their shame.
Being embarrassed is embarrassing. Some of this is stuff I need to unpack for myself – expectations that I and the people around me have built up inside me that are ultimately inconsequential. I try to be careful not to lay my issues out as judgment against people who, on a more consistent basis, cannot work. Not that I would be judgemental to anyone about that out loud, but I try to be conscious of how my expectations for myself are projected onto others. Some of this is stuff that I can’t personally change – people are gonna think it’s funny that you got the kissing disease or whatever other illness. Being embarrassed about it, though, feels silly.
All this to say, I can finally eat solid food again and I’m dreading catching up on two weeks of work.
Unruly Bodies 
This resonated with me, I’m not dealing with anything on the same magnitude as yourself but but I relate to the feeling of shame that comes with not being at 100% at all times, even when we should be giving ourselves grace. I wish you the best in your journey, good luck!
I really like how you showed multiple examples regarding the same idea. I never really thought about how as adults we have to be embarrassed about not truly feeling like ourselves. For example, when I get sick during exam season I feel embarrassed to ask the professor for an extra day or two because I’m afraid they’d think I was lying. I do believe students and employees will misuse the privilege to have a day off but, if you think deeper they are doing it because they truly just need a rest day. Sickness does not mean you are physically ill, it could be a mental factor as well. I know numerous times where I’ve had to skip lectures because classes became very overwhelming. I’m not physically sick but, I’m mentally exhausted. I hope you feel better and I hope we can combat this issue of feeling embarrassed about normal aspects of our lives.
I really appreciate you sharing your experiences and thoughts around sickness and the embarrassment that often comes with it. I think you have pointed out and greatly articulated a fairly frequent phenomenon that many people go through: that being sick is embarrassing. There is often a sense of shame when it comes to being sick, and maybe that is attached to some other aspects of our lives. For example, when we discussed labor and work in class, sickness tends to be overlooked or considered excusatory. Maybe people associate sickness with embarrassment because that makes us less “productive.” Yet, we often can’t help how we feel or where our health is, which only makes it harder when the world tells us to “just get over it” or “push through.”
The line, “We’re really good at stigmatization,” really resonated with me because it is absolutely true in so many instances. Whether it be sick bodies, fat bodies, disabled bodies—regular bodies and bodily functions are seen as embarrassing simply because they are real. Sickness feels like a betrayal. As Erving Goffman argued with his dramaturgical theory, everything we do around others is a performance. We try to keep up appearances and manage others’ opinions of us. But when we get sick, it becomes difficult to manage that impression because our body “betrays” us. We can’t save face anymore, and that is alarming or weird to some people. If we could just let bodies exist in whatever state they are in, we wouldn’t have to worry so much about being embarrassed for being sick and potentially avoid care.
i love this post so much. we’re so harsh on ourselves because of the ideas built up by society that we must always be at 100% energy. in class we had talked about how we end up policing others because of this – because we feel like we can’t take off due to sickness/mental health/etc, we then proceed to argue that no one can take off. or like, when asking for extensions, its unfair if person A gets an extension when person B is going through something equally as rough and doesn’t get an extension. why can’t we all just give grace to one another in general? this is a question i’ve been turning over in my head for awhile now. truly understanding that everyone is going through things we do not understand, and fighting battles we may not even see, is something i hope we as a society can begin to achieve.