Since I was a wee little lad I have always felt a sense of otherness between me and other kids. Having no friends throughout elementary school certainly did not help this sentiment. Being constantly told you’re annoying, you’re loud, you’re a troublemaker and this is excluding the comments made on my general appearance. All this tends to take a toll on the mind. To my knowledge I don’t remember being disruptive in school but according to my teachers asking too many questions is an offence as well as being generally under stimulated with their slow paced classes and I couldn’t get in any higher classes due to my test anxiety. My earliest memory of ever interacting with anyone autistic was my mother best friends daughter. She was this cute little girl same age as my brother. I noticed she didn’t talk she made sounds to indicate if she wasn’t comfortable with something but none of it really bothered me we just vibe. Her mom seemed really happy that we got along. However when I on my way back home my mom gave me and my brothers a lecture about thank god that we are ‘normal’ and to make sure we don’t have kids to late so they don’t end like ‘that’ and all I could think about was how heartless to describe such a sweet child like that.
As i continued to grow up that strange sense of otherness didn’t disappear I just learned to ignore and try and act more like the people around me so that way I felt less out of place. In middle school i had made friends with a person who I thought shared a similar sense of strangeness and I confided to them about my fears of being perceived as strange and they told me they didn’t find me strange and thought I acted pretty similar to them and told me that I might have adhd like them. After that I spent several nights researching symptoms and signs and reading about peoples experiences with adhd and how they knew they had it and once I felt confident enough I brought up these concerns to my mom. What i failed to realize is that my mom is a west african pentecostal christian and if there’s one thing christians love to do its ignore real world problems. So obviously when I told my mother I wanted to get tested she got mad and defensive and insisted that she couldn’t have given birth to a ‘wayward’ child. After that I never asked again till this day I still wanna get tested its just a matter of when cause.
We had a reading titled the “Normalization Agenda and the Psycho-Emotional Disablement of Autistic People” this reading kinda heightened my fears about being confirmed to have adhd because really what would a therapist do about it? Give me Pills? Tell me to just fit? I’ve already been doing that. The author talks a lot about how a lot of neurodivergent people are just treated like afterthoughts in society and are taught to conform and if they dont they risk being seen as social pariahs and “disruptions” in the world of the neurotypical and Ive already spent a large part of my life being seen as a disruption and socially awkward weirdo so I just feel like medications or telling me how to adapt is gonna make it any better. But who knows mabye if I eventually come around to that therapy thing Ill find a therapist who’ll change my mind until then
Unruly Bodies 
I really relate to the sense of ‘otherness’ you describe, and it’s tough when you feel like you’re constantly out of sync with everyone else. It’s frustrating when you try to understand yourself, and people dismiss your concerns or frame you as a problem that needs to be fixed. I’ve struggled with similar feelings of being labeled or judged, and it’s hard to navigate those pressures while also trying to stay true to who you are. I get why you’re unsure about therapy. It can feel like it’s all about fitting into a norm that doesn’t work for you. It’s important to take things at your own pace and find what feels right for you, whether that’s seeking a diagnosis or finding your own path.
I relate to the statement about how Christians love to ignore real-world problems. I come from an immigrant family who is heavily religious, with several of my extended family members holding high positions within their churches. One thing they surely love to do as devout Christians is to ignore the existence of neurodivergence. One of my older cousins, after getting recommended to be tested by her therapist, found out that she had autism at 25 years old. She realized that this answered a lot of her questions she had about herself while growing up; yet, she still hasn’t found the courage to tell her parents. Like you said, neurodivergent people are constantly taught to conform, or “hide,” themselves to avoid being seen as disruptive or being treated differently. My cousin was taught exactly this, to the point where she was never formally diagnosed until her early to mid-twenties. She constantly hid who she was to get by and still does to avoid being ridiculed or being considered a disappointment to her parents (even though she’s the first one in our family to be in grad school for crying out loud). I think this post is something she would really resonate with, and I might even share it with her over the holiday season. Thank you for sharing your thoughts!
Your fears about a medical diagnoses and follow up is so real. I will say doctors seem to be drifting away from going straight to medication, but there’s not really a ‘good’ alternative that the medical field sgrees on. It literally seems to just focus on giving school age kids accommodations, but nothing for adults. I think I’m in a similar boat as you; what use is it for a doctor to write neurodivergent on my tests? Right now, it’s not worth it. Sometimes it’s for your own validation, too. Don’t feel pressured to do anything you don’t want to!