(Content Warning: Fatness and ED mention)
I’m fat. I’ve been fat. I will be fat. Fatness is just another item on the laundry list of my descriptors, and yet it is always at the forefront of my mind. I find myself reflecting on a meal debating my total carb versus fiber versus protein intake despite having stopped macro counting years ago. I quite literally cannot or it sends me into an episode of hypomania. And yet I still find myself falling into my old unhealthy habits and I can’t seem to stop wondering why. I have an incredible community, some fat some not, who operate and speak in ways that have nothing to do with weight. My opinion on my body tends to lean positive. And I’m sure you could bring up the fact that social media, especially TikTok, is slowly transforming into ED tumblr 2.0 – every other post being a scary WIED or thinly veiled body checks under the guise of an outfit video. But I think there’s something more there. I think fatness, moreover, a fear of fatness is so deeply ingrained in our culture that there’s nothing I can do to escape it. I find myself stifling my labored breaths after trekking up 5 flights of stairs, tugging at the corners of the clothes, sucking it in, all in an attempt to “feel better” about myself. I live in constant fear of people “finding out” that I’m fat. Newsflawsh, buddy I am fat. Anyone who can see me knows this and in that reminder I find myself more free than I ever have been.
Ft. A poetry video I used to love in 2014 (a little cringe now but powerful nonetheless — same content warnings)
Unruly Bodies 
Thank you for sharing this it’s raw and vulnerable in a way that’s really brave. It takes a lot to sit with these feelings, let alone put them into words so honestly. The part where you wrote, “newsflash, buddy, I am fat,” really struck me it feels like such a turning point. Like you’re reclaiming something that society has tried so hard to make into a secret or a shame, and instead, you’re saying it out loud and owning it. That’s powerful. It also sounds like you’ve built an amazing community around you, and that’s such a big deal. Having people who see you for who you are and not just the body you live in there’s so much love and freedom in that. I hope you keep finding those little moments where you can breathe easier, where the noise quiets down, and you can just be. You deserve to feel at home in yourself.
Hey, I truly hope that you can recover from this mindset that society has engraved in individuals. No one should ever have to adjust their daily living habits to please society. These bodies are normal and healthy. This post reminded me of the “ozempic” podcast I watched two weeks ago which highlighted how society promotes “being skinny” to young individuals which permanently engraves in their head that their body is not normal which it very much is. They also talked about how social media has added onto this negative mindset that one should eat a certain amount of calories and they are only considered pretty if they are skinny. I hope we can overcome this issue in society and normalize bodies.
I have also struggled with my weight and have struggled with an eating disorder. I have found that a lot of TikTok content associated with food is thinly disguised as just disordered eating and it’s really triggering. I haven’t noticed that, “body checks are used under the guise of an outfit video.” But, now that you mention it a lot of people start their outfit videos with being practically naked. Which I guess is to show off their physique. Which I also understand why that could be triggering.
Your reflection beautifully captures the complex relationship many people have with their bodies, especially in a society so steeped in anti-fat bias. The struggle and tension between internal acceptance and external pressure is a reality for many. Your journey toward embracing the reality of your body and finding freedom in its truth is not just empowering but also a powerful act of resistance. It is unfortunate that society feels comfortable patrolling the bodies of others and feels entitled to enforce harmful standards. Society also seems to fail to recognize that we are not made of clay, unable to mold ourselves to meet every new and absurd beauty standard that emerges. This constant demand for change dehumanizes us, ignoring the individuality and inherent worth of our bodies as they are.
I appreciate your honesty and vulnerability in sharing your thoughts about weight and body image. What really stood out to me in this post is how you point out that social media is slowly becoming “ED Tumblr 2.0.” This is something that I have noticed and have also seen others discuss on social media. There are countless amounts of individuals on social media, particularly TikTok, who are gaining large followings and attention for essentially putting themselves and their bodies down as a means to “stay skinny.” Not to mention the amount of content there is spreading messages about why people should “fear” certain foods and so on. In my opinion, I find that the embracing of these messages and the acceptance of this type of content say a lot about the way our society views bodies and what types of bodies “deserve” respect. In turn, it causes us to fall into this mindset as well. Like you said, it is hard to escape it. Despite our awareness of the harms that dominant culture perpetuates, we are still surrounded by a world in which certain bodies are viewed as “non-human” or “unhealthy,” which only makes it harder to appreciate our bodies as they are.
As a fat person, I completely understand and relate to this. I’m sorry you’ve faced similar struggles. The body checks and such you mentioned really sheds light on how normalized fatphobia is in society, especially on social media. I also find myself doing actions to you even in selfies – I try sucking in my chin or using a higher camera angle, without even realizing it, when in reality, I am fat. I have been fat. I will be fat. No amount of hiding my breaths, pulling at my clothes, etc. will hide that. It’s a hard thing to keep in mind sometimes.
Thank you for sharing this. I deeply relate to everything that you said: the macro counting, the overthinking about meals, the tugging at your shirt. It is unfair that we live in a world where bodies aren’t allowed to just be bodies with no value attached to size. I have also started surrounding myself with people who do not damage my self confidence and have been feeling more confident in my body, it is hard to avoid thoughts of how I can “improve” my body. And this goes back so far, even from my mom telling me to suck my stomach in. Being fat is not something you can hide, something that you need to hide, or something that you should hide.
Thank you for sharing such a raw and honest reflection on your experiences. It takes incredible strength to acknowledge and articulate these feelings.It’s clear that you’re navigating complex emotions around body image and societal pressures. Despite having a supportive community and a generally positive view of your body, the pervasive cultural stigma around fatness can still impact your thoughts and behaviors. It’s completely understandable to have moments where old habits resurface, especially given the relentless messaging from social media and broader societal norms. Remember, it’s okay to have ups and downs in this journey. Be kind to yourself, and continue to lean on your supportive community. They see you for who you are beyond any labels, and so should you. You’re more than just your body, and your worth isn’t defined by societal standards.