this art belongs to Leo Fox, from his trans comic series Boy Island! you can get this image as a sticker at https://store.silversprocket.net/products/gods-favorite-transexual-by-leo-fox :] )
Since before I started medical transition over a year and a half ago, gaining testosterone-linked physical traits through HRT has been a goal of mine. And recently having the ability to “pass” as cisgender has been such a wild ride in a very gender-affirming way (though I still haven’t gotten used to times when I am perceived and treated as cis male in a social context, such as getting pulled in for a strong dap up after finishing a group project).
One thing that I have always been excited about was my “passability” opening up new avenues for me to explore queering my gender presentation. There was always something appealing to me about presenting physically masculine with more body hair and a deeper voice while having the freedom to wear whatever I wanted, like skirts with boots, and feeling confident wearing tight shirts without getting dysphoric about my chest. The physical traits I display are also helpful with decoding patterns of comportment and taking up space that I grew up socialized into as a “girl,” because now instead of fearing gender dysphoria from expressing emotions and being particular about the way my body moves, I feel like I am actively participating in throwing off binary norms, rather than taking up as much space as possible and acting closed off and invulnerable as embodied “masculine” stereotypes often go.
I recognize of course that presenting my gender the queer way I do is something that I have a privilege to do, as I am able to safely be out as transmasculine; I believe not every single trans person should be required to revolutionize trans embodiment and destroy gender norms whenever they can possibly be perceived. No one should be held to that standard, and critiquing those who can find safety within the gender binary is unproductive to the goal of universally embracing trans embodiments.
I believe my medical transition and performed gender, and the euphoria I experience in my trans body, demonstrate Susan Stone’s theory on the transsexual body’s ability to “generate new and unpredictable dissonances which implicate entire spectra of desire” (“The ‘Empire’ Strikes Back”). Her and Judith Butler’s description of the erotic dissonance of the butch lesbian is something I find strong connection to, especially after coming back around to identifying as a lesbian in how inherently queer and “everyone-but-cis-masculinities” my sexuality has been throughout my 8 years of being out. Butch identity and my transmasculine body just feel like they go hand in hand now, and doing what I call “coming home to lesbianism” has been such a euphoric experience for me recently, one that I feel comfortable describing as transsexual gender euphoria.
Unruly Bodies 
I love how much you connect your medical transition to brand new experiences and allowing yourself to perform gender in ways you hadn’t before. It makes me excited as someone who still has yet to physically transition for a host of reasons (including health and an unsupportive family whom I financially rely on) for the possibilities that this new dynamic with your body can create.
One thing I want to stress is every body has the potential to be a trans body, regardless of status of physical transition. I can speak on the fact that regardless of starting hormones or not, your body can and will change on you in very unexpected ways that greatly impact your appearance and how you move through the world. As an example, I tend to pass much more as cis male despite not being on HRT when I am skinny than when I am more midsize like I am now (my weight tends to fluctuate quite a bit). I also consider myself to still be performing gender in a queer way despite my lack of physical transition because my self perception of my gender, to me, is arguably much more important than what others perceive my gender to be. I know this may be kind of a controversial or unconventional mindset to have as a trans person, and don’t get me wrong, I still want to physically transition someday. I just think it’s important to consider the capacity people have to perform gender in queer ways without a physically transitioned body, especially considering that physical transition is a fairly new concept when taking into account all of human history.
I just find you so inspiring, and it’s amazing how this transition has made you confident to be yourself and express your gender in ways that defy convention. I love how you talk about balancing safety and queerness in your presentation while staying true to yourself. it’s such an important perspective. The way you’ve reconnected with your butch lesbian identity and found joy in your transmasculine body is so powerful and shows how beautiful and complex gender can be.
Your acknowledgment of privilege while advocating for diverse trans embodiments is significant. You articulate a truth that many feel but struggle to name. This is because safety within the binary does not preclude authenticity, and no one should be asked to single-handedly dismantle the norms just to validate an identity. Your generosity in perspective here is striking.
The connections you make to Susan Stone and Judith Butler further enrich your reflection, particularly in how you embrace the “dissonances” of your transmasculine butch identity. Conceiving your return to lesbianism as “coming home” is such a beautiful and affirming way of describing finding an alignment of body, sex, and self. That speaks to the power of trans and queer joy; it is euphoric, and it radiates from within the process of self-discovery and embodiment.
Thank you for sharing this—it’s clear how much thought, love, and intentionality you’ve poured into this journey, and it’s truly inspiring to see someone so grounded in their truth. Your experience not only challenges gendered expectations but also celebrates the beauty and complexity of existing authentically outside binaries.