TW: Eating disorder, weight
Eating Disorder has always been my best friend. I was 12 when I met her, 15 when I dropped her, 17 when I met a new version of her, 18 when we become basically one person, 20 when I grew distant, and 22 when she came back into my life as the worst version of a person I could ever meet. Almost 23 and we’ve had so much history together it’s hard to get rid of her completely. She’s blessed me but also ruined me and I hate her but I love her at the same time. I never experienced “fat” until I was 18 but I was always different. Growing up everyone hated me so I internalized it and became my biggest hater. I couldn’t change my eye shape, or the ethnic food my mom packed for lunch, or the fact that I was “awkward” in a bad way, but I could change how much I weighed.
I’ve been many weights in my life and the social interactions I’ve had at each one would be enough to send a very mentally unstable person over. 110- I look like I’m dying. I need to eat more. I’m doing it for attention. No one is going to be sexually attracted to me. I’m a child. 135- I look so healthy. I’m too skinny. I have no ass. My body is perfect. 150- I’m fat-skinny. All men want to fuck me. I’m a threat to other women. I hate how I look. I’m too skinny. 170- I look hispanic. I’m greedy. I’m fat. I’m ugly. I need to lose weight. I have a fat ass. 190- I am obese.
My boss used to tell me that he preferred when I “had more weight”. My ex boyfriend told me he would leave me if I ever weight more than 140 pounds. All the women on the internet want a fat butt and a small waist. My doctor tells me that 150 pounds is overweight. I was pregnant and hated my baby because I gained 10 pounds in the first couple weeks. Why is it so okay for society to tell me how much weight I should be.
A decade later and my best friend is still around. She haunts me but comforts me when I need her. When I hate myself I run to her crying to change me. When I love myself she’s in my ear saying I need to change. When I say to other people the words she tells me they have a different opinion. I’m skinny. I need to lose weight. I love myself but I shouldn’t. Back and forth back and forth I know what my best friend wants me to look like and I know what society wants me to be but I’m the one that has to live with this fuck ass best friend forever because she will never leave.
Your post was really moving; I find it really saddening that people truly never take in the weight of their perception of others. People seem to figure that once they know you, they can overstep their bounds and give opinions on matters that do not concern them and I truly sympathize with how you feel.
Your post was very creative and moving. What stood out to me was how at every weight you mentioned, someone still had an opinion about what your body should look like. It shows how nearly impossible it can be to meet society’s standards because they are constantly changing and contradicting. Your post made me think about how much of our relationship with our bodies actually comes from ourselves versus what we have repeatedly been told and taught by other people, doctors, relationships and social media. It raised a question of why we give other people’s bodies so much meaning and why we feel entitled to tell someone else what their body should look like.
I completely understand where you are coming from. Sometimes I forget that eating disorders can come and go throughout someone’s life. It is a constant battle. Personally, I have never recieved a diagnosis but will have periods of hating myself a little extra. Enough to actually try to change my habits. Usually in an unhealthy way (not eating). I wonder where this all stems? Society? Parents?
If I’m being completely honest it’s everything. I grew up with a mom telling me how fat I was and so she put me into a sport to lose weight. When I started losing weight she didn’t like it so she took me out of the sport. My best friend growing up was a model thin blonde hair blue eyed girl which as we know, is the western beauty standard. Coming from a completely different angle in ethnicity and weight I’ve always compared myself to different versions of her to this day. I think once it’s ingrained in your head or you develop an eating disorder you never truly get rid of the vanity aspect of it. I’ve dealt with a lot of different types of eating disorders but it all comes down to: I hate how I look and I need to change. Men suck as well. Women are allowed to be independent but also expected to cater to a man. In any/most environments. So when men have vastly different opinions on what a women should look like it’s an exceptional challenge. All this to say, society, adolescent environment, friendships, relationships, your own self perception, possibly genetic disposition… idk I just know it’s a serious mind fuck.
Thank you for sharing your experiences. I really appreciate how you articulated your complex and vulnerable feelings in such an open and honest way. It is so important to shine a light on the darkness that is eating disorders and share the absolute insanity that forms under the pressure of the “ideal”. Admittedly, when I first read your post, I was instantly bombarded by the chaos and noise of my own demons. I sometimes forget how quickly the insidious whispers of inadequacy turn into a cascade of screaming insults. Eating disorders need very little encouragement to creep in and even less to take control, especially when society is cheering them on. And just like you’ve found with your mom and sports, society’s target is always moving and the measure for success is ever changing.
The biggest gag and boldest lie in all of it is that we can never really win, no matter what our size or weight. Our bodies are never going to be “good enough” or “right”, we are too human and imperfect to be anything more.