Author: supertman

by

my best friend

TW: Eating disorder, weight

Eating Disorder has always been my best friend. I was 12 when I met her, 15 when I dropped her, 17 when I met a new version of her, 18 when we become basically one person, 20 when I grew distant, and 22 when she came back into my life as the worst version of a person I could ever meet. Almost 23 and we’ve had so much history together it’s hard to get rid of her completely. She’s blessed me but also ruined me and I hate her but I love her at the same time. I never experienced “fat” until I was 18 but I was always different. Growing up everyone hated me so I internalized it and became my biggest hater. I couldn’t change my eye shape, or the ethnic food my mom packed for lunch, or the fact that I was “awkward” in a bad way, but I could change how much I weighed.

I’ve been many weights in my life and the social interactions I’ve had at each one would be enough to send a very mentally unstable person over. 110- I look like I’m dying. I need to eat more. I’m doing it for attention. No one is going to be sexually attracted to me. I’m a child. 135- I look so healthy. I’m too skinny. I have no ass. My body is perfect. 150- I’m fat-skinny. All men want to fuck me. I’m a threat to other women. I hate how I look. I’m too skinny. 170- I look hispanic. I’m greedy. I’m fat. I’m ugly. I need to lose weight. I have a fat ass. 190- I am obese.

My boss used to tell me that he preferred when I “had more weight”. My ex boyfriend told me he would leave me if I ever weight more than 140 pounds. All the women on the internet want a fat butt and a small waist. My doctor tells me that 150 pounds is overweight. I was pregnant and hated my baby because I gained 10 pounds in the first couple weeks. Why is it so okay for society to tell me how much weight I should be.

A decade later and my best friend is still around. She haunts me but comforts me when I need her. When I hate myself I run to her crying to change me. When I love myself she’s in my ear saying I need to change. When I say to other people the words she tells me they have a different opinion. I’m skinny. I need to lose weight. I love myself but I shouldn’t. Back and forth back and forth I know what my best friend wants me to look like and I know what society wants me to be but I’m the one that has to live with this fuck ass best friend forever because she will never leave.

by

Stuck in the middle

I walk in a room and I don’t know who to sit next to. There’s a black girl who looks kind but also like she may hate me. There’s a white girl who looks fun but also like she may hate me. There’s a boy who’s cute but he may hate me. A room full of people but they all may hate me. Maybe a universal experience but racial acceptance is a game in my head. Who’s going to accept me for who I am and what I look like? There’s a divide between black and white, but what about the people who are neither? My dad’s side of the family doesn’t think I’m “asian enough”, my mom’s side of the family simply tolerates me, black people think I’m white washed. White people think I’m too ethnic, people act surprised I speak english but people are also surprised I don’t speak Chinese. So what does life look like when you don’t have a “safe” side. It looks like backhanded compliments, fear from everyone, surprised when people DO like you, and a lot of days spent looking in the mirror wondering how you can fit in. Code switching? I live it, but I never know which code to default back on because who I am is not truly accepted, I always have to do my best to fit in.